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I`m not really your friend until I start insulting you on a daily basis.
Hey, if anyone needs help raising their kids, come talk to me. I`ve been one for 30 some years now.
My death bed confession is going to be epic!
I don’t understand the point of lap-dancing clubs. If I wanted a woman to take all my money and sexually frustrate me, I’d stay at home with the wife.
The boss keeps talking about a company 401k ... I don`t think I can run that far
There’s no question about it, the second half of the tank of gas goes twice as fast as the first!
When I got divorced, we split the house. I got the outside....
If the waitress in the One Bell Pub is reading this can we please have our pudding now, cheers
Dearest Neighbors, Please do not call the police, it`s not domestic violence or a wild party. It`s football season, that`s just me screaming at my TV.
People are way less judgmental when you say you had an "avocado salad" instead of saying you ate a bowl of guacamole.
Do you think we like to sing in the shower because we all love a good soap opera?
Pokémon means a totally different thing if you`re stuck in prison.
Never underestimate the power of cleavage.
Fast food places should have a third window, where you can trade in the wrong stuff they gave you at the second window.
Are you always this stupid or is today a special occasion?