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When I was your age we had to open all doors by ourselves ... None of them knew we were coming.
I like people... From a distance.
I took my family to Sea World this weekend, but i wasnt allowed in. Apparently you cant take your fishing rod.
As i walk thru the valley of the shadow of death i was like what da f**k am i doin here
m for Monday t for Tuesday wtf Wednesday Thursday Friday get it wtf
I can read your mind, your thinking about sex right now, no wait, wait.. that`s my mind, sorry, I can read my mind. . .
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I never said "you were stupid" I said "you are stupid", there`s nothing past tense about it!
WOULD YOU RATHER: have six arms or giant antlers? (You don’t really get a choice; the surgeons were just sort of curious.)
Ironman and Batman`s only super powers is being super rich and smart really makes Bill Gates a real disappointment.
When people see ghosts, why aren`t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
Every time I almost think humanity will be okay, I see someone struggle with the self-checkout for 20 minutes.
Years ago I asked out the girl of my dreams. Today I asked her to marry me ... She said no both times
When you’re a kid, you hate those moments when there is absolutely nothing to do. As an adult, you live for them.
You know you`re getting old when Happy Hour is a nap.