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Two interesting facts for you: 1) Some pine cones look like poop. 2) I`m never kicking anything wearing flip flops again.
I love that sound you make when you shut the hell up.
My idea of heaven consists of all of the things I`d go to hell for.
Arguing politics is like trying to convince someone that their baby isn`t cute.
The next time the creepy guy at the bar asks you "Why aren`t you smiling?" simply reply, "I don`t smile while I fart."
I do what I want, when I want, where I want. If my wife says it`s okay.
If your talking behind my back then guess what? Your in a pretty good position to kiss my a$$!!!!
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always like to write: "Last warning, you have a week to get the rest of the money together."
Remember, you can always run from your problems. Unless your problem is a Cheetah.....then you`re screwed!
If the people in horror movies would just listen to me, they would still be alive!
Actually, when I went to New Orleans, I blacked out too.
Okay restaurants. Enough with the clever bathroom signs. A simple M and F will do. Sincerely, drunk people.
Women.Some men undermine, disrespect and consider them weak,forgeting the countless spanks they got from their mothers
A blind man walks into a bar....and a stool....and a table....
If you read my entire Facebook timeline from the beginning, you can witness my descent into madness