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Multi-tasking: the art of screwing up everything all at once.
Who is this "Moderation" they keep telling me to drink with?
I like to friend friends of friends then unfriend the first friend to freak out the friend of a friend.
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
Some people might as well post ‘Wants Attention’ as their Facebook status.
I don`t just sing in my shower, I perform.
Turtle: I`m the slowest. Snail: No, me. Internet Explorer: Bitch, please
I can buy my own sugar. What I need is an insurance daddy.
I would like to congratulate my ex`s new boyfriend on giving up blow jobs.
sex is like a joke, some get it some don`t.....
If someone says “you’re funny” instead of laughing, you’re not.
lifes like a box of chocolates, never know whatcha gonna get (:
Admit it, you`ve answered Dora at least once in your life.
I wish life had a “rewind-the-weekend” button.
Sign in a grocery store: Take lettuce from top of stack, or heads will roll!