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It`s impossible to look cool while holding onto a leash attached to a dog who is taking a crap.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. "You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic"
I love it when the person’s laugh is funnier than the actual joke.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We`ll see about that.
I like my women how I like my straws …. Bendy and full of liquor.
I don`t plan anything as well as I plan which alcoholic beverage I`m going to consume once I leave work.
I wish I was as fat as the first time I thought I was fat.
If karma doesn`t hit you, I gladly will.
You know those adorable idiosyncrasies you loved about your spouse when first dating? Well, after 10 years of marriage they become what the police refer to as "motive".
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
Thanks to Netflix I can tell my doctor I`ve done a lot of "marathons"
My Tupperware lids and single socks are chilling somewhere laughing at me.
If you boil a clown, do you get laughing stock?
People who say they suffer from constipation are usually full of sh!t.
If you think husbands aren`t good listeners, whisper "Come here, I`m naked" from anywhere in the house and see what happens.