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Im a leader not a follower... unless its a dark place then f*ck that your going first!
Son: "Dad, can you write in the dark?" Dad: "Uh, I think so, why?" Son: "I need you to sign my report card."
I changed the audio of my GPS to a man`s voice. Now it just says "It`s around here somewhere. Keep driving for a little while."
If they put beer in CapriSun pouches I could fit a lot more in my cooler. Just thought I`d throw that out there, people who invent sh!t.
Just think about all the stuff you aren`t thinking about.
Not to brag, but they know me by name at the liquor store and the police station.
To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes great subway sandwiches.
The best part about living by myself is not having to explain a lot of things......a LOT of things.
Never give up on your dreams, keep sleeping.
You know you`re broke when your Bologna Does Not have a first name!
Your shadow is a confirmation that light has traveled nearly 93 million miles unobstructed, only to be deprived of reaching the ground in the final few feet thanks to you
My boss doesn’t like it when I play slavery songs at work….
The one thing you can always count on is your fingers.
Lazy Rule#15325434090371466: you`re so lazy you didn`t even finish reading the number.
I Don`t Care If you Don`t Like Me .. Iam Not A Facebook Status :D