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I am so thankful for all the people that aren`t in my life.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
Stages of beard length: 1.) sexy stubble 2.) sea captain beard 3.) prisoner of war beard 4.) homeless person beard 5.) wizard beard
Kids eat free today? Nice... In that case, I`ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
Me asking if you want anything from Starbucks is my way of telling you I am going to be very, very late
I read in the Bible that people used to get stoned to death, that`s a lot of weed.
In a new study women with large a$$es live longer………the men who tell them live distinctively shorter lives.
If women are so perfect at multitasking, how come they can`t have a headache and sex at the same time?
Sometimes I add things to my to-do list that I’ve already done just so I can immediately cross them off.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
I have very poor ninja skills when it comes to staring at cleavage.
I assume that a Columbus Day sale means I can just walk into a store and take whatever I want.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a wife who knows it all?
Friending someone on Facebook and complaining about what they post is like phoning someone to tell them you don’t want to talk to them.
I got my panties all in a bunch ... You know those Wal Mart 10 pack cotton bundles.