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Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
I bet anyone who`s had to fight a bear has snuck at least one hug in
After dinner I like to sit in the garden in my underwear and smoke a cigarette.....but apparently that`s not done at this hotel....
I dream of a better world where chickens can cross the road and not have their motives questioned.
I put a pair of boots in the bathroom stall at work so nobody else will use the stall that I like to use.
Honestly, I’ver never see anyone fall because of a banana.
I do 5 sit ups daily. It might not sound like much, but there`s only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
Interviewer: "What did you like best about your last job?" Me: "Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake."
“we should hang out soon” loosely translates to I’m doing everything in my power to end this stupid conversation.
How big does a cupcake have to be before it’s just a cake?
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don`t know. Inspirational post are hard.
Exercise can add years to your life. For example, I just ran 2 miles and I now feel like I`m 82.
The early bird needs a punch in the throat.
The only thing worse than it raining after you wash your car is having to poop as soon as you get out of the shower.
It`s not a real hangover until you bring a pillow into the bathroom.