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If Candy Crush had a face, I`d punch it.
As a community service, I send random inmates letters how my life is going to cheer them up.
Mondays should start at noon.
Nothing says poor life choices like the guy with the half smoked cigarette behind his ear
Here Friday Friday...come on...hurry up! Oh no you don`t! You come when I call you damn it! Get your a$$ over here. ... good boy!
I like people... From a distance.
Women are so silly sometimes, thinking men actually care if they fake it.
Lawns: You cut them, then water them so they grow just so you can cut them again. This does not make sense.
Dear women at Walmart with 6 screaming kids: if your wondering how that box of condoms got in your cart.... Your welcome!
Remind me why I work 40 hours a week to be this poor?
Couldn`t stay awake sitting on the couch, so I laid down in bed to make sure I wouldn`t fall asleep
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth. I woke up half an hour later & my whole apartment was on the internet.
Carrots may be good for your eyes, but alcohol will double your vision.
Never resist a mad impulse to do something nice for me.