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I`m amazed at the mileage my car is getting. I`m still running off the same tank of gas I bought last year!
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
TEIAM - problem solved
So what the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. Their house paint is peeling.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
Here`s how I gained 27lbs of muscle in 5 weeks: Lying.
I wonder what it feels like to be wrong.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you`re the crazy one.
Women have closets full of `I have nothing to wear.`
Sorry, I didn`t get your text...Just kidding, I ignored that sh!t.
I bet someone could get really rich opening a business that untangles Christmas lights!
I am fluent in three languages: English, Profanity, and Sarcasm
When I die, I am going to haunt the f*ck out of you people.
Facebook keeps telling me people are following me. But, every time I look behide me there`s nobody there? Why does facebook keep lying to me?
When I think of all the money I`ve spent on booze in my life, I wish I had it all back. Imagine all the booze I could buy!