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Hey I just met you... And this is Crazy... But this is a nice restaurant... So, Silence your baby!
Imagine how frustrating it would be if Tic-Tacs were individually wrapped
To all the lovely ladies here I`m not wearing green....to all the guys here, I know Ju-Jitsu. Just saying
My favorite thing about naps is that I don`t have to talk to people during them
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a "gym."
Does anyone else get scared when a text reads "Can I ask you a question?"
I hate when I oversleep at work and get home late.
My house was clean yesterday, sorry you missed it.
If tomatoes are a fruit, then ketchup is a smoothie.
Is it just me or does the word "retweet" bring up images of Elmer Fudd commanding an army on the defensive?
"Never go to bed angry" is the worst advice ever. I haven`t slept in a week!
I once dated a woman who thought windmills were solar powered. I`m so glad I don`t drink anymore.
With the right music, you either forget everything or you remember everything.
Got kicked out of the casino again. Apparently, gold chocolate coins mess up their slot machines or something.
Did you hear about the homeless guy that tried selling me meth?.... Yeah it was Bumcrack.