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I talked to my mom, and she said she probably hadn`t had sex with any of you guys. Damn dirty liars.
Men are like cheap dishes - easily broken & completely replaceable!
A cop just pulled me over -- asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, `Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car`
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
Very few things upset my wife. So, it makes me feel rather special to be one of them.
The ultimate home security system is having shitty stuff.
Common sense is so rare it should be classified as a super power
FACT: How kids feel about snow days is the exact opposite of how parents feel about snow days.
Single ladies, stop saying you should just give up & get a cat , if no man wants you , don`t force an innocent cat to live with you..
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
In retrospect, replying "Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory", probably wasn`t the best way to respond to my therapist.
Parts of my body are turning 50 Shades of Gray
You don`t even want to know the things I have done for a Klondike Bar...
I don`t fear death... It happens to everyone. I just hope when I am dead and buried, I don`t vote Democrat.
I had lunch with a chess player yesterday. It took him 20 minutes to pass the salt.