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Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
Don`t forget: it`s very important what strangers on the Internet think about you.
I’ve never considered myself much of a conspiracy theorist. Then I discovered the letters in Frito Lay could be rearranged to spell Oily Fart- Coincidence?… I think not!!!
Yesterday I jokingly asked my wife what she was burning for dinner. Turns out it was all my personal belongings.
I wish I had Shazam for faces...
Childless people wondering what it`s like to have some kiddos? Make a lovely healthy breakfast. Take it and throw it all over the floor.
North West? Im confused i thought Kim Kardashian gave birth to a child not a compass
On Mondays I like to reply to all my bosses emails with `unsubscribe`
So if your invited to someone`s 4th marriage is it wrong to give them a gift certificate to a good divorce attorney?
Do you ever wake up and kiss someone next to you and appreciate being alive? I did this and was chased out of the bus
I hate it when spiders just sit there acting like they pay rent.
I inherited my dad`s sense of humor. He`s not funny either.
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
I hope when Bruce Willis dies, it`s from a Viagra overdose. That way the headline can read "Bruce Willis Died Hard".
If you think this week was a drag, wait till you see what happens next week!