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I read that a banana a day will help keep your colon clean. I just wish they would’ve mentioned that you’re supposed to eat them.....
My next relationship will be with someone who thinks "Wine" is a perfectly acceptable answer when he asks what`s for dinner.
For all the taxes they take out of my paycheck they should at least send me a picture of the broke ass family I support to hang on my fridge.
I know you think you´re interesting because you have an accent. But a drunken slur is not an accent.
I’m considering becoming a mind reader ... What are your thoughts?
What flickering lights mean: 1% electrical problems. 99% demons.
If I could keep it short, my life would be so much simpler.
Me blacking out when I`m drunk is God`s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
My phone dies faster than a black man in a horror film.
I quit my job with the Dept of Corrections. That place was like a prison...
The nice thing about being a guy is your underwear only costs $10 for a 3-pack.
How am I supposed to show a girl I like her, if I can’t even make her a mix tape anymore?
Grabbed Pizza Roll. Thought "my god that is so hot it`s burning my fingers" and immediately popped it in my mouth ... I`m a goddamn genius.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I want to use my finger and write WASH ME on her face…
My husband told me he needed more space ... So I locked him outside.