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My driver`s side window stopped working,,,, So yeah,, I`m probably gonna starve to death..
A friend doesn`t question your motive, they just keep their mouth shut and dig.
I`m 99.9% certain that every time a sock goes missing in the dryer, it comes back as an extra tupperware lid
It`s true alcohol kills people, but how many are born because of it?
Spoiler alert: this milk expired five days ago
You can pretty much text anything as long as you put a happy face emoticon afterwards. You`re a slut :)
I hate when I´m laughing & my a$$ falls off.
My friends were alway so nice. They were like "of course you`re not fat! Come on, grab two chairs and sit with us" :)
Every time I hear the phrase, "Fire at will!", I can`t help but wonder, "What did Will do?!"
When people say "To be honest...", it means that up to that point they`ve been lying.
If you ever feel sad remember that there’s a number you can call and a pizza will be there in 30 minutes.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Laughter with large amounts of alcohol & wild crazy monkey sex - now that`s the best medicine.
I never get caught because I`ve watched all 27 seasons of Cops..
I was standing in front of the mirror eariler, admiring my six pack for hours. But it got really warm so I put it back in the fridge.
So how many pokes does it take before its considered a heavy petting?