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It’s always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it’s just hilarious.
I’m starting to think that the gym isn’t really for me. I went this morning and laid down on the mat to do some sit-ups. I woke up 2 hours later.
Apparently slim chance and fat chance have the same meaning.
I wish the buck stopped here…I could use a few.
Q.Teacher: why do we drink water? A. Learner : Because we cant eat it!
All you single ladies, please stop saying you should just give up and get a cat. If no man wants you, don`t subject an innocent cat to a life with you.
Inviting a friend to play Candy Crush Saga is like hosting an intervention and providing the crack.
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is "BURN HIM, HE`S A WITCH"
WHEW! I just had a near-work experience.
Interesting fact: Prior to the creation of hummus and ranch dressing nobody ate uncooked vegetables.
90% of adulthood is just deleting emails.
People are like dogs: There`s always someone who loves you for you and there`s someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
No one has ever been in an empty room.
All I`m saying is that Schwarzenegger isn`t the only one who woke up naked next to a dumpster in 1984.
Ice skating is just walking in cursive.