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Sometimes I speak in a different font but no one ever notices.
If I ran the country, things would be a lot better. Well…for me anyway.
I`ll tell you what a woman wants. She wants you to drag her to the bedroom, toss her down, and do the dishes and laundry while she takes a nap.
It’s always hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they’re always taking things literally.
I thought my name was "Stop encouraging him" until I was 11.
Bring a CD into my car that I "have to hear" and I`ll figure out a way to deploy the passenger side airbags
Head & Shoulders needs to come out with a body spray that will help repel flakey people from my life.
Women have a lot more experience dealing with bloodstains than men. Men are convicted of murder a lot more than women. Coincidence?
I`m great at spelling bees ... But hopless at spelling other words.
I`d publish my autobiography but it`s just a bunch of liquor stained pages filled with doodles, and rants about stupid people.
Exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors. - Jehovah`s Fitness.
According to WebMD, MedicineNet, Healthline, Mayo Clinic, Symptom Checker, NetDoctor, MedlinePlus, Johns Hopkins and InfoMedNet, I`m OCD.
I`ve upped my driving skills, no go Up yours!
If I was rich, I´d do nothing all day from a much nicer recliner.
When my dog sniffs another dog’s poop I can only assume that it’s their equivalent to checking a friend’s facebook page.