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Call me old fashioned but I prefer women with eyebrows made out of hair
I wish I could use Shazam to identify people when I cant remember their name.
List of things I’ve accomplished today: 1. Accomplishments List
Why does everybody call it a "hot water heater?" It`s really a cold water heater.
If no one from the future comes back to stop you, is it really that bad of an idea?
All this time I thought Bi-Polar was a big white bear with no sexual preference.
When I`m in a bathroom stall, please don`t yell "Oh my God oh my God there`s a guy in here!" Respect my privacy.
I just encountered a spider bigger than my desire to be the man of the house.
The reason dogs look confused when you open the refrigerator door is because they`re thinking "Why don`t you just eat ALL the food?"
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it`s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
I think my new Stress Management plan is going to be alcoholism.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up alongside him and say, "It`s okay, I think we lost him."
Life is hard ... It`s harder if you`re stupid.
"If your reading this, I think your awesome!"
Kinda hard to believe not a single mutant at professor Xavier’s school had the power to heal a dude’s legs.