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If you lose your shoe at the end of the night, you’re not Cinderella. You’re probably just drunk.
New day, same old bullsh!t
Turkish ruler Erdogan was at the White House this week. Sources say he arrived very early so he could beat the crowd.
I am so confused. My boss just said "keep up the good work" and I have no recollection of doing any such work.
Attention fuels immaturity
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
One day my fridge will take revenge on me by opening my bedroom door every half hour, staring at me for a few minutes and then leave.
So what the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. Their house paint is peeling.
Get at least eight hours of beauty sleep, 9 if you`re ugly.
Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
People with pierced nipples have no excuse for losing their car keys.
Staring longingly at the door works for my dog, but I tried it at work and no one let me out. :(
"That looks interesting. I think I`ll eat it." - Sharks and Toddlers
I get paid to be nice at work. Not sure why my family and friends expect that for free.
I’m moving to Africa. Apparently there I can eat for 12 cents a day.