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Stop bitchin about the frigid winter snow. There are kids in Africa who don`t even HAVE weather!
That`s not how I met your mother.
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills... I almost responded
The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself "This changes everything."
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
I think it`s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
I don’t know what it is but, it’s on sale.
I`m the type of person that would thrive in solitary confinement.
Is it so much to ask that everyone who ever wronged me be forced to leave the country and change their identity?
If practice makes perfect, one day I will make the perfect mistake.
I think 90% of the software on my computer doesn`t do anything except send me notices that there`s a new version of itself.
If adult diapers are called Depends, then baby diapers should be called Definitely!!
Today, my wife asked "would you still love me if I was ugly and fat." "Yes, honey I do." was not the right answer.
If a guy stares at your boobs, just stare at his d!ck ... maybe squint a little bit
There is no such things as ghosts. I know, I asked Santa Claus