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"Check, please!" - Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
Going to drink straight from the carton because I`m a badass!
It’s a good thing not everyone has a smartphone. Someone has to honk when the light turns green.
that moment when autocorrect decides to ruin you and makes a text incredibly awkward.
I never make stupid mistakes ... only very clever ones
Of course your opinion matters. Just not to me.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
I love to do housework in the nude. Unfortunately for the neighbours, today I`m roofing.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know, and I don’t care.
Still hoping that one day I get to ride a kayak while it`s strapped to the top of someone`s car.
If you work Security in a Samsung store does that make you a Guardian of the Galaxy?
He won`t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to `SHUT YOUR DOG UP, D!CKS`
Did you know , that if you use asterisk , you can do anything you want ? * gets on a t-rex and gallops away into the sunset *
Relationship status: Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..