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If you can`t handle me at my worst...I don`t blame you, neither can I.
I`m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
Just changed my dating profile headline to: “Seeking rich old men with bad hearts and no relatives” …crossing my fingers.
I won`t be impressed with technology until I can download food.
Whenever I read: "Do not exceed recommended dose" I always think, "Challenge accepted!"
Ride me like you stole me.
They say you are what you eat, though... I don`t recall eating a sexy beast today
I would probably die of sleep deprivation if Facebook added a dislike button
30 seconds left on the microwave ~ Women: set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone ~ Men: do the space shuttle countdown
I live for those really small but special moments in life, like when I see the waiter bringing my food to the table.
There`s nothing like hearing the laughter of a baby. Unless it`s 1AM and you`re home alone.
Porn teaches kids an unhealthy and unrealistic idea of how quickly a plumber will come to your house.
The best part of my divorce was how I woke up and I hadn`t done anything wrong
Admit it, we’ve all hidden our favorite food from the rest of our family.
One of these days I’ll realize that leaning forward in my car while accelerating does not make it go any faster.