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I don’t care if it’s 4 A.M. I don’t consider it “tomorrow” until I wake up.
My New Year`s resolution for 2014 is to do something about my procrastination.
Can Walmart be a feeling? I`m pretty sure that`s how I`m feeling today.
"I don`t know why people dislike jury duty. I think being able to play god with others` lives sounds fun!" - How I got out of jury duty
I should`ve married myself. I`ve never said no to sex. Not once. Not one single time ever.
I`d rather have my arms fall off than make two trips carrying in groceries.
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not "content creator"?
His idea of cleanliness is sweeping the room with a glance.
If you hear sirens and see some naked dude with jeans on his head running down the street, be sure to throw me a beer.
Turbo Tax might just be the worst video game I`ve ever played.
Geez....Why do they only make hand creams that smell feminine? Why can`t they they make one with a masculine scent? Something like Doritos or WD-40?
In about 20 years, that cherry tattoo on your cleavage is gonna look like a pair of raisins and that butterfly you got tatted on back is gonna look like a moth.
This weekend, a woman in colorado gave birth inside a Wal Mart. Apparently, its the first thing found in a Wal Mart not made in China.
Are you always this stupid or is today a special occasion?
These statuses are a lot better if you imagine them being read by Morgan Freeman.