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We´re responsible for most of what happens to us, the rest is probably Voodoo.
When I`m bored, nobody texts me. But as soon as I`m busy, BAM! ... still nobody texts me.
I inject vodka right into the orange. Screwdriver-to-go
I cant afford a Snuggie so I just wear my robe backwards...
Marriage is like playing Monopoly. It starts out as fun, gets a little boring, then someone steals money from the bank and no one ever wins.
You`re about 8 beers away from being my type.
My mother suggested that I get professional help... and that`s when I hired my first hooker.
Before asking a hot chick out, I wish I could first talk to the dude who`s sick of her bullsh!t.
That awkward moment when you realise you have way more internet friends than real friends.
I just found love.....its on page 369 in dictionary
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
The human race is the only one that lets its idiots live a full life...
Facebook`s list of "suggested friends" is quite literally a list of people I`ve been avoiding my entire life.
I want to delete a bunch statuses, so if you guys could just message me your passwords that`d be great.
I may be too old to cut the mustard, but I can still cut the cheese.