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I wear a cape when I`m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I`m going somewhere to fight crime.
Amazon’s recommendations are like that friend who heard you say “ninja” once and then got you ninja stuff for your birthday every year for twenty years
I order all my food with extra gluten.
You’re the reason I wake up everyday... Just kidding I have a job!!
If going to church has taught me anything, it is that Catholics hate unexpected pterodactyl impressions.
I’m going to start telling girls that I’m available for a limited time only in hopes that their shopping instinct kicks in.
I shurvivfed the dentisht wivout any notishable shide affecshss.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
When I say “Nevermind.” I really mean you should’ve listened the first time.
I`m afraid of a world run by adults who were never spanked as kids and got trophies just for participating.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
My coworkers will stand around confused during a fire drill but the office turns into the Hunger Games when there`s lunch brought in for everyone
Give a man a fish and he`ll go to McDonald`s instead. Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald`s
It’s amazing what I’m able to get done when I need to do something else.
Sometimes, I don`t know how I`m going to get through the day. Then I remember: I have beers waiting for me at home. I can do this for them