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The sun shouldn`t be allowed to come out until after your hangover.
I told the monster in my closet that coming out of there would make him gay. Ha!!,,That solves that problem.
I just let my mind wander, but it didn’t come back yet.
It`s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your sh!t together, every other vegetable.
Is beer cheaper on cyber monday?
I`m looking up in the sky and I have no idea which cloud has all my data
Quick question, ladies: If you shave your eyebrows off and then draw them back on, what the heck are you doing?
Pinatas are a great way to teach children that if you repeatedly beat something with a stick, eventually you`ll get what you want.
The next time you feel you`re worthless.... just remember.... your organs are worth a LOT of money on the black market.
My goal this weekend is to move just enough each day so that no one pokes me to see if I`m dead
I was going to do stand up comedy years ago but then I thought ...Ugghhh, standing...
The key to a successful relationship: Tools > Internet Options > Clear history.
Why do they leave folding chairs so close to the wrestling ring? Shouldn’t the maintenance staff have learned their lesson by now?
I never run with scissors…those last two words were unnecessary.
"Wow! That butterfly`s gonna be HUGE!" - First person to find a mummy