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Those kids in the Trix commercials were real jerks. Why couldn’t they just share their cereal with the rabbit?
why does that idiot Charlie Sheen keep winning, and a good person like me keeps losing?
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 7 am is sexy... Then yeah, I`m your guy.
This skinny girl just told me she "forgets" to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it`s contagious.
I`m just standing here...50 yards away, waiting for the restraining order to expire.
I got this weird condition where I drink a case of beer and fall down.
I don`t always get to drink free beer... But I just happen to know my neighbor went to the night shift, and I saw him filling his fridge today.
Day six of my push-up challenge. So far, I`ve eaten 107 push-up pops.
Sixth in line to the throne takes on a different meaning when you’re not in the royal family but in a dive bar.
My alarm clock is clearly jelouse of my amazing relationship with my bed.
Like a glow stick, sometimes we have to break before we shine.
I woke up feeling strange this morning...I felt Rested and Relaxed so I immediately Googled my symptoms. Turns out I had a `Sleep in` Apparently it`s not harmful but may be addictive. . .
I start a lot of conversations with "goodbye" in hopes that I trick people into thinking we already talked.
If I could turn snarky sarcasm into a paying job, I could be employed for infinity.
Sometimes the problem with reality is the lack of background music.