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Relationship status: I get the remote to myself!
I was getting really depressed today but then I realized double cheeseburgers exist
I hate when people post lyrics from songs, but I will survive.
Nipples (noun) - the body`s way of telling you the weather
Stapling water to a tree is easier than controlling your laughter at serious times.
Bike helmets only protect you from looking cool.
CONGRATULATIONS! You are the 13th woman he`s called "beautiful" on Facebook today.
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of your eye but half the time there is anything in my eye its an eyelash!
Some people are such treasures that you really just wanna bury them.
So far my only real accomplishment in life has been not having kids.
A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s…That’s because she changes it more often.
I need a six month vacation Twice a year.
I need chapstick on my lips ... anyone want to share ?
Sarcasm is a body`s natural defense against stupid people
My "Kiss me, I`m Irish" shirt only seems to be working on my dog.