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My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the a$$holes asked me to turn it down.
Laxatives............for people who don`t give a crap.
Is that a selfie or did you just photobomb a picture of your filthy bathroom?
I think most of my friends hang out with me to see what I’ll say next.
Women have all the answers, to all of your questions, and you don`t even have to ask.
I`m a bad multitasker and even a questionable monotasker
Conspiracy theorists are all so dumb that I suspect they`ve been planted by a secret organization to distract us from what`s really going on
Single women come home, see what`s in the fridge and go to bed...while married women come home see what`s in the bed and go to the fridge.
FACT: 99.7% of guys named "Dan" are not actually "The Man".
Yoga is a great way to meet and embarrass yourself in front of women
A homeless guy just asked me for money, and I almost gave it to him, but then I thought... he`s just going to use it for alcohol, and then I thought... That`s what I`m going to use it for.
been there, done that, wrote the book and have the t-shirt to prove it. What more do you want!
I was enjoying our conversation. Until you started talking....
Something tells me that girl with the word "Princess" tattooed on her neck isn`t really Royalty.
Here`s to all the kids who have never found their name on anything in a souvenir store