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You can`t lick any part of your reflection except your tongue.
You’d think with as much time women spend looking at their ass in the mirror, they would be able to reverse into a parking spot.
Tequila... It`s not just for breakfast anymore...
When I`m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend.
Everyday I run into someone who pushes me past the limits of my medication.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
Sometimes you have to flip out and go bat sh!t crazy to make a point.
I wish I could select all my responsibilities and press delete.
It`s so awkward when you get texted to come over and you have to pretend like you weren`t already inside their house.
As I got older my six-pack turn into a keg.
Sometimes people don`t notice or appreciate the things we do for them, until we stop doing it. They are like, “Why don’t you stalk me anymore”
If the Sahara Desert had a motto it would be "Long time, no sea."
If you enjoy being the 10,000th person to put your thumb into a hole, then bowling is for you.
Nothing says IDGAF like an old lady at a slot machine wearing oxygen and smoking a cigarette.
Not a day goes by when I don`t try to use The Force.