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St. Patricks day is the only time you can ask somebody in public,"Do you want some green" without you looking suspect.
Gym Update: Not there.
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I`m the race car, sometimes I`m the iron. But usually I`m a peanut because I`ve lost all the game pieces.
It`s not a mental breakdown if the police wasn`t called.
Congrats on winning an argument with your woman...... Your prize is a night on the couch.
is pondering why people have a favorite color M&M when they all taste the same!
Does this couch I’m laying on make me look unmotivated?
Judging by all of the cologne and shower sets I got for Christmas either people know I like to smell good or I am failing at it.
I`d like to thank Tetris for making me really good at loading my dishwasher.
I`ve created a new gym to help with the child obesity problem. There is no building, I am just slowly driving around neighborhoods in an ice cream truck without ever stopping.
Your so old, you knew Burger King when he was a prince.
I wondered how smokers could afford them, until I realized they don`t have to save for retirement..
If anybody in North America needs a napkin, hit me up. I should have enough in my car’s glovebox for each of you.
Kissing a sleeping woman in an animated Disney movie is romantic but do it on a bus and the judge doesn`t agree.
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.