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I always like to keep a nice photo of myself for my Facebook profile pic because that is the picture that will be splashed all over the news when I finally go off the deep end.
I`m well on my way to getting absolutely nothing done today.
My coworker`s inspire me to drink on the job.
Last night my wife said to me, “What would you do without me?” Apparently, “Your sister” was the wrong answer.
Do u ever have the urge to tell someone to shut up even when they arent talking?
9 year olds have a Blackberry, an iPad, a laptop, & a Facebook… When I was 9, I felt cool with my new markers.
The way I see it, every Friday is Good Friday.
When I die, bury me with a pack of smokes, no light. Where I`m going, there will have plenty of free fires to light from.
My body is made up of 90% water, 5% pizza and 5% wine.
My New Year’s resolution is to save enough to buy a Velcro wall ... I plan on sticking to it.
I wish conversations were like user agreements, where I could skip to the end and just agree.
Girls just wanna have funds.
I need chapstick on my lips ... anyone want to share ?
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at McDonalds... Not funny, grow up.
People be like: "Awe baby you make me so happy." But the second you break up they be like, "finally happy."