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Karaoke bars combine two of the world’s great evils: People who shouldn’t drink and people who shouldn’t sing.
How do blind people know when to stop wiping their asses
I`m really good at using the turkey baster as a sword and getting drunk and not being invited to Thanksgiving anymore.
Hmmmm, thats odd. . . .According to this height / weight chart. . . . I`m too short.
My imaginary friend is bullying me.
His idea of cleanliness is sweeping the room with a glance.
As I slide down this bannister we call life, you, and you alone, are the splinter in my ass
What`s the nutritional value of an entire tube of cherry Chapstick? Asking for my two year old.
If animals spoke our language we`d be in their debt because they`d have some seriously incriminating dirt on all of us.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn`t even lift him.
I`ve officially met everyone`s mother yesterday via Facebook so I`m pretty sure that takes me out of the friend zone here ladies
I can`t afford to go on vacation these days,so I just drink until I don`t know where the duck I am or how I got there.
Every time I`m not with my kid and someone asks me "Where`s the baby?" I just yell "Oh crap!" and run in the direction I came from.
I guess if you spoke your mind, you´d be speechless, huh?
Hysterical Shrieking should be reserved for truly serious situations such as Centipedes, Spiders, and that Creepy Uncle that likes to give everyone back rubs.....