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Attention!! Today I am traveling back in time to right some wrongs in this world. You will know I succeeded if the Germans lost WW2 and that Thursday comes before Wednesday.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
Job interview: Please tell us why you’d love to work for us? ME: I need money :)
CAN I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE: Oh... I have nothing to say, I just crave the spotlight.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats
Guuuyyyysssss, never ever play leapfrog with a unicorn.... Its not worth it.....
Therapy has taught me that it is all your fault.
After the expiration date on poison, is it more potent or less potent?
If you insist on sending me pics of your boobs please at least be a female!!
PRO TIP: If you walk around the mall hitting kids in the face with the shopping bags, your wife won`t make you carry them.
Whenever you`re feeling down and in the dumps, just remember...the rest of us have been feeling that way about you too!
To the guy who invented Zero: Thanks for nothing!
Improve your day by ordering coffee in the voice you use for your pets.
I`m not sarcastic…I`m just intellegent beyond your understanding.
“Nothing is impossible.” I disagree. I’m doing nothing right now… it’s totally possible.