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Make somebody happy today... mind your own business!!!
At first it was "Okay" and then "ok" and now "k" and soon it will disappear and you`ll all regret it
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it ... I`m gonna miss that baby...
Auctioneers are proof white guys could rap if they tried hard enough.
Has anyone seen where I put my organizational skills?
There are no problems which cannot be solved through suitable application of high explosives.
Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.
I plan on being up really late tonight making voodoo dolls for, well, nevermind, you will know who you are soon enough
Carfax but for people
Cats have tails so you can swing them around. Duh.
Part of being sane is being a little bit crazy.
I`d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars. Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
Every family has a plastic bag full of plastic bags.
I love the gym this time of year. The newbies make me look like a Victoria Secret model.
Let’s fix the obesity problem AND improve eye-hand coordination by replacing vending machines with claw machines, make people earn snacks.