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The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.
This guy keeps asking me to help pet his neglected, one-eyed trouser snake. What a sweet guy! I think he`s a vet. Ladieeees! A doctor!!
I wonder if Sallys parents were like "Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot."
I often confuse reptiles and amphibians. Actually, if I`m being brutally honest, they pretty much never know what I`m talking about
Pokémon means a totally different thing if your stuck in a Jamaican prison.
Nobody texts faster than a pissed off female.
When you are dead, you don`t know you are dead but other people do. The same is true when you are stupid.
I`d have better people skills if I worked with better people.
This recliner and I go way back.
I just don`t understand why Flo from Progressive needs to have an apron on to sell car insurance.
Golf is such a strange game. You shout four, shoot six, and write down five.
Before bed, my Dad would always say, "OK son, time to hit the sack." Not sure how me punching him in the balls helped him sleep, but hey, that’s my Dad for ya.
FYI: Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long, if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music”... but when I do it, I’m “wasted” and “have to leave Home Depot"
There is nothing like sitting naked in a beanbag chair eating Cheetos. I hope they let me back in Walmart.