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My girlfriend said she wasn`t impressed and felt she needed a man with at least 6 inches. So I folded it in half.
I`ve tried several times, but I can`t pet a cat without plotting world domination.
Alcohol goes in, truth comes out.
All I`m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us. But, whatever, be that way.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
What do you mean I didn’t win, I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else.
There are a few people I`d like to go to bed with but I can`t think of a single person I`d like to wake up with.
Please don’t take anything I say personal or too seriously. I’m just an idiot with internet access.
Google was first named, `BackRub`. If they hadn`t changed the name, we`d be saying, `I don`t know, go BackRub it.`
All I`m saying is, you`ve never seen me crying and eating tacos at the same time
It`s that time of the evening where my beer bottle has magically turned into a microphone again.
I hate it when I`m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
Next time you`re in a hospital elevator, calmly ask a stranger if they know what floor you should get off at for infectious diseases.
You know it`s a classy establishment when they quietly ask you to leave.
You can`t run from your problems. unless your fat.