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Restaurant Advertisement: We serve food as HOT as your neighbour’s wife; And beer as COLD as your own. :)
Walked into the kitchen for orange juice; walk out with sandwich, crackers, chocolate milk, and the TV remote I lost 30 minutes ago
I knew the fun part of my life was over when my friends started getting pregnant on purpose
Like this if you’re “never drinking again.”
We spend 33% of our life sleeping, 33% wanting to be asleep and the rest apologizing to women.
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
I have a kid in Africa I inoculate, feed, clothe and send to school for only $1 day. It cost a lot to send him over there though.
I just bumped into my old headmistress who said how weird it is to see me all grown up now. Surely it would be weirder if I was still 9.
Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.
I can tell how productive I was at work by how much battery my cell phone has left when I leave.
If a zombie apocalypse were to happen in Vegas... would it stay in Vegas?
Saying "cool" also means, I don`t give a sh!t.
If I ever get arrested I am going to ask for a status update instead of a phone call.
God: Is there anything else you need Adam? Adam: yes I want a Sandwich! God: Ok let`s create eve.
How many days in a row do you have to wear the same clothes until you’re legally a cartoon?