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My girlfriend called me up and said "Come on over to my place. No one`s home!" I went over. No one was home.
Instead of calling in sick, call in well. Tell them how great you feel not having to go to work today.
If you’re not fully satisfied with your life, do something about it. Or complain about it on the internet. Whatever you prefer.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
llllllloooollllll...........................i saw a donkey on a bike
The problem is not the problem, the problem is your attitude about the problem.
I’d be 100x more motivated if Samuel L. Jackson yelled at me to get things done.
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old. So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
My neighbor`s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
The only time I`ve ever used sex to get what I want is when I want sex.
I`m only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand
I`m glad the Eclipse is over so I can go back to staring directly into the sun.
You`re right, vodka. This is the perfect time to use a hammer.
My friend is showing me her new vegan handbag. I know vegans can be annoying, but should we really be making accessories out of them?
Facebook really needs a “pee on someone’s wall” option.