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Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Me: Probably still mirrors.
Sometimes, numbers are the only thing you can truely count on.
Did anyone hear the one about the cross dresser? The happiest day in his life was when he finally got into his girlfriend`s pants.
A Smart car Zoomed past me And vanished into a pothole.
I decided I`m not doing the whole clock-back routine this year. If you need me, I`ll be in the frickin future.
Who do you have to sleep with around here to sleep with someone around here?!
One time I snuck a whole rotisserie chicken into a movie, cause candy is for amateurs.
*puts selfie on top of christmas tree because I am the star*
Why can’t I lose weight easily I mean I lose everything else without a problem.
I still dunno why they say cats have 9 lives. My cat only eats & sleeps all day long. It has no life at all!
Hush little laptop don`t you cry,mumma gonna find you some more wifi.
Vaginas are like the weather. When it`s wet, it`s time to go inside.
Facebook - the place where you can whine and get likes for it...
I bet if we all threw our problems into a big pile, we’d see everyone else’s and scramble to get ours back.
This is not the status message you are looking for .... Move along