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Who´s up for Candyland? $20 buy in
The voices in my head tell me not to listen to the voices in my head, and now I don`t know who to listen to anymore
Men look at boobs for the same reason women look at puppies in a cage, we just want to set them free.
If there’s one piece of advice I can give you it’s to marry someone who has a different favorite cereal than you so they wont eat all of yours.
Dear alcohol we had a deal where you were supposed to make me cool, sexy, charming and a great dancer........I seen a video......we need to talk.
I hate it when I mean to buy seedless grapes but instead I accidentally get...well you know...Oreos.
If we aren`t supposed to be too close to the microwave then why do they show us food twirling around in there?
Anything I say or do before I`ve had my coffee doesn`t count.
My problem? Smart phones are too smart.
My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex but my girlfriend insists it says dyslexia.
It`s ok, ghosts, no-one believes in me either.
Id explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
LIFE HACK: Sneak into doctor`s waiting rooms instead of subscribing to magazines.
I used to be poor. Then I bought a thesaurus, and now I`m impecunious.