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LISTEN: It was sweet of you to suck the venom out of my snake bite, but if you really loved me... you would have swallowed.
I got kicked out of my Community Theater group when the director asked to see me limp. How was I to know he was talking about walking??
Now that the Summer is over, I can finally stop pretending to be on a diet
I said "Candyman" 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
I just ordered a Life Alert bracelet so if I ever get a life I`ll be notified immediately.
Just found a hole in my sock and now I`m worried that the whole drawer might be pregnant.
I am addicted to Cold Turkey. Not sure how I will ever quit that one.
What if all this time it`s been Chicken that taste like Frog legs????
I`m a responsible person. People are always saying "I know you`re responsible for this."
I hate taking down Christmas decorations just to put up Halloween decorations...
I`m not saying your cat doesn`t care about you, I`m saying if Lassie was a cat, Timmy would still be in that well.
Just watched (insert title of horror movie) and it wasn`t scary at all. The crap in my pants is a pure coincidence.
Expect nothing and you`ll be impressed every day.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
I have tonight off so if anyone’s free let’s go somewhere and look at our phones together.