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I swear I`m allergic to alcohol. Every time I drink I seem to break out in handcuffs.
My girlfriend says I talk while I sleep... but I`m skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it.
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is that you`re a terrible person and had it coming.
Looks like I won`t be updating my status today...
Had a big mix up at the store today... Apparently, when the woman said strip down facing me,she was referring to my credit card.
I`m pretty sure whoever coined the phrase " rise and shine", doesn`t do it anymore.
I keep trying to avoid trouble but I think it likes me.
My doctor prescribed me xanax instead of birth control pills I asked for. Now I have 9 kids, but I don`t care.
If you don`t give a f*ck then why you telling everybody?
I need professional help. A chef and a butler will do just fine.
Sad Fact- Boobie traps seldom involve boobies.
Currently helping my sister look for her chocolate`s I ate 4hrs ago.
I have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is easy and fun as hell. :)
You want to see Americans become activists? Cancel a TV show they like.
Probably a good thing I`m not a ghost cause I`d just stay in the kitchen and scare people then eat all their food.