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I still miss my ex. But my aim is gettin` better.
iOS 8 let`s you passcode lock specific apps? It`s fun imagining how many break ups that will cause.
I accidentally spilled spot remover on my dog and now he’s gone.
I wish I could google the things I’ve misplaced.
Life is not like a box of chocolates. Its more like a jar of jalapeños, what you do today can burn your a$$ tomorrow
I should`ve married myself. I`ve never said no to sex. Not once. Not one single time ever.
Thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried...
Anytime my boss leaves her office, I sneak in there and fart.
I don’t even know what I don’t know.
I bet strippers look forward to that feeling of getting home and wearing a bra after a long day at work.
If there is anything I learned from 80`s movies it`s that I`m the best around, and nothing is ever gonna keep me down
Sorry I missed your call. I took too long to answer because I was dancing to the ringtone.
It seems like the ‘L’ in my luck has been replaced with an ‘F’.
Rump roast is called rump roast because nobody would eat it if it was called cow`s ass
You want to see Americans become activists? Cancel a TV show they like.