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People like you are the reason why the middle finger was invented
Days are short in December but spending them with family really stretches them out.
Is it just me or does chocolate taste even better late at night, hence the the last four letters of the word chocoLATE?!
Wine doesn`t have many vitamins. That`s why you have to drink a lot of it.
My dream job would be the Karma delivery service
As an adult, I’m not eating nearly as much ice cream as 10 year old me thought I would.
I need medical attention, but I will settle for just regular attention.
I`ve got my wise-ass in my smartypants so I`m ready for anything!
You can`t be ugly and play hard to get. It just doesn`t work that way...your already hard to want
Dear Stomach: You`re bored, not hungry. Shut up.
Why does whoop-ass only come in a can?
Things you need to know about me: 1- I`m lazy 2- hmm, one is enough
If my jokes offend you: 1. I’m sorry. 2. It won’t happen again. 3. 1 & 2 are lies. 4. You’re a wussy.
Just because nobody complains doesn`t mean all parachutes are perfect.
My imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems.