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I wish I had a dollar for every time I didn`t have a dollar.
My coworkers should be less concerned about my job performance and just be happy I remember to wear pants each day.
Nothing stops a yawn faster than a dog trying to lick inside your mouth
If you ever want to watch a women feel herself up for ten minutes, hide her cellphone.
My definition of" Armed and Dangerous" is: a pissed off wife with a bottle of wine, and the credit cards.
Somedays I feel like running away. Then I remember how much I hate running.
A cool thing about being in a relationship is that when you make a mistake you get to hear about it over and over.
I followed my heart...now I`m at the liqour store
At work, sometimes I secretly brew decaf coffee in the normal pot so that everyone else works at my pace.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
Today I saw a cat with three legs, which was much better than finding the alternative, just a cat`s leg.
You ever wonder why wearing no underwear is called “going commando”? It seems to me it wouldn’t be useful in a combat situation.
If I owned a copy shop, I’d only hire identical twins to work there.
Here`s to all the kids who have never found their name on anything in a souvenir store
*driving behind a cop* Well, well, well. Looks like the tables have turned.