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Who the hell is Pete, and why do we do things for his sake?
Couldn`t stop thinking about that drought on the west coast while I was watering my driveway today.
Was born with a rare condition called "Amazing"
If only my ceiling fan could hold my weight, then I would never be bored again.
Never cry over spilt milk. It could`ve been whiskey.
You’re not an easy person to like….I like that about you.
Bumper stickers are helpful for recognizing members of society you do not want to associate with.
I`m getting so many spam emails. “Grow Your Hair Back”…”Lose weight now” …”Enlarge your manhood”… Wait… these are from my wife.
I once ran a Half Marathon. Well, I say that because it sounds better than saying I collapsed and almost died halfway through a Full Marathon.
Whatever “Estimated Time of Arrival” on the GPS. Challenge accepted.
Candy Crushers keep inboxing me saying that they need "lives" as if I didn`t already know that.
Since my ear surgery I haven`t heard from my doctor. Not sure if that`s a good thing or not.
Am I the only one who closes the silverware drawer with an epic pelvic thrust?
The problem with money is that too much of it belongs to people who aren’t me.
A female mantis kills the male after sex. That used to seem cruel, but now that I’m married with kids I think the male mantis gets off easy.