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As you Mature... you learn that you cannot make someone love you.. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in..
Why hasn`t anyone invented a button next to the snooze which emails your boss to say you`re gonna be late?
I`m 99.9% certain that every time a sock goes missing in the dryer, it comes back as an extra tupperware lid
Ladys have it easy, if they ever do start to loose an argument they can just start playing with their boobs
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won`t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
Some things are better left unsaid...That`s usually the stuff I blurt out right away.
Tequila. For those nights you just want to pretend she`s hot.
Oh, I thought you were talking about napping. In that case no, I`m not good in bed.
"Okay" means you`re in the clear. "K" means you`re better off not coming home. Fellas, you know what I`m talking about.
It’s a good thing the fate of mankind doesn’t depend on me turning on the correct stove-top burner on my first try.
If your significant other is mad at you, put a cape on them and say "Now you`re super mad!" If they laugh marry them.
Why the hell do we still use snow shovels when flame throwers are available?
I have a lot on my plate right now. Not busy, just hungry.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
How old do I have to be when I can start pulling in front of cars without looking?