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I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
If a man speaks at sea where no women can hear, is he still wrong?
I just passed the local college and saw 3 very fit young ladies with very tight yoga pants walking to class...I have never been so motivated to return to college.
Boss: "Thanks for the coffee. You know what`d go well with this?" Me: "The antidote?" Boss: "No, a donu...Wait, what?" Me: "Nothing"
I hate people that don’t know the difference between “your” and “you’re”. Their so stupid…….
You really understand how drunk you are when you`re peeing...
When I die, I want people to say, "That guy owed me a lot of money"
My internet is so slow, it`s just faster to drive to the Google headquarters and ask them in person.
Don`t threaten to leave people, surprise them by actually leaving.
Slutty girls are like Walmarts, everyone makes fun of them but when you`re inside one at 4am you think, i`m glad these are here.
The list of things I won’t eat if covered in chocolate gets smaller everyday.
I used to like my neighbors until they changed the password to their wi-fi :)
Apparently, playing dead only works on bears not ex boyfriends.
Can you LIKE this status with your elbow? (no cheating)
It’s not what you wear; it’s how you take it off.