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If I go missing this holiday season and there’s a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at the gym.
Apparently there`s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
Have you ever woke up pissed at someone because of something they did in your dream?
roses are red , violets are blue , I got five fingers and the 3rd one for you ;)
I just got kicked out of the Zoo! How was I supposed to know that real hippos don`t actually eat marbles?
My greatest achievement today was writing this status.
Are you guys sure common sense can`t be beaten into people ? Because I`d like to give it try!
Get real. No one’s going to form a single line if the building’s on FIRE.
How do you know if your girlfriend is getting fat?...She fits into your wife`s clothes.
I`m happy, but not "Oprah just told me to look under my chair" happy.
I am 5 for 5 on popping my trunk instead of unlocking the fuel door at the gas station.
Would I be in a porno for a million dollars? It depends. What kind of porn? Will my mom see it? Do I have to pay the million all at once?
Before bed, my Dad would always say, "OK son, time to hit the sack." Not sure how me punching him in the balls helped him sleep, but hey, that’s my Dad for ya.
Do Hostess employees have Snowball fights?
Why is it Donald Duck never wore pants but always had a towel wrapped around his waist when he got out of the shower?