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Nothing makes me turn off my car and start leisurely Facebooking than someone honking at me to pull out of a parking space.
When the zombie apocalypse hits, I know EXACTLY who I`m tripping first...
Yes I`m still bitter about my name not being mentioned in "Mambo No. 5"
I love how stars are billions of miles apart and we`re like "that`s a soup ladle".
I dont think McDonald`s french fries are real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect ... Tasted fine, too.
I`ve found if you tuck one part of a pants leg into your sock, people expect less of you.
It`s great how you have legs that can take you away from a conversation when you don`t feel like listening to people anymore
Don’t be ashamed of who you are. That’s your parents job.
would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Pretending to be nice is exhausting...
I want the job of placing pepperoni slices on frozen pizzas, because clearly whoever has it is now has problems.
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it`s considered responsible. But if you do that with your gf, it`s called "cheating."
Bitch, you`re just like monday, nobody likes you -_-
It`s amazing how much more money I have when I`m drunk.
What idiot called him Alexander Graham Bell instead of Lord of the Rings