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Wisdom is understanding that a tomato is a fruit, but you don`t add it in a fruit salad.
I wasn`t planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere.
I was playing catch phrase with my family and the phrase I got was `pearl necklace` .. And then I ruined family time...
Exercise makes you look better naked. Alcohol does the same, you pick..
Everyone knows spray tans and Tang come from the same stem cells as Cheetos, so why does Wikipedia keep deleting my edits?
Settle down joggers at red lights, settle down.
Did the Baha Men ever find their dogs? Did they put up posters or just sing that song?
I was going to get married, but my wife refuses to sign the divorce papers
if a guy tells you you`re ugly ; he wants you, if a girl tells you your ugly; she`s jealouse, if you a kid tells you your`re ugly..... you`re ugly.
Started working on my taxes today and learned why the form is called 1040. For every $50 I make, I get $10 and the gov`t gets $40...
God gives us only what we can handle... Apparently God thinks I am a bad-ass.
Smile. It makes people wonder what you´re up to.
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is "I can post that"
The club sandwich, for when a knuckle sandwich just isn`t enough...
I can`t take this long distance relationship anymore.. Fridge, you`re coming to my room.