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Who else has dropped the phone on their face while laying in bed reading Facebook?
is on a Mission. The magic leprechaun told me to follow the pink racehorse to the rainbow where the orange elephant is holding my skittles hostage
My wife’s new cooking show will be called, "Do you smell Something Burning?"
I love going for walks in the rain. You can pee your pants and no one will be the wiser.
I read an actual newspaper today! For those of you who don`t understand, a newspaper is like the Internet but made of paper.
Don`t ``Wine and dine`` me ... ``Champagne`` me ... step it up a notch
Girls probably spend more time thinking about what men think than men actually spend thinking.
I’m working on my resume. Should I use the term “mad skillz” or would “mad skills” be more formal?
Always forgive your enemies. Nothing aggravates them so much. But if you really want to piss them off tell them you will pray for their souls.
You know what is cheaper than therapy? ... Admitting you`re batshit crazy and running with it.
Nothing says "I love you" like my cat aggressively bathing itself immediately after I pet her.
I don`t think I can call myself an adult until I can accept the fact that "dry clean only" is not a dare.
I google myself sometimes just to know what the hell I`m up to. ;)
I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey but i turned myself around and THAT`S what it`s all about
There are no absolutes in this world. Except vodka.