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It`s getting warm out. I can finally get back to smacking people and blaming it on mosquitos!
So how long before GoFundMe is our nation`s leading health care provider?
Dang I didn`t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
When I`m bored I like to dress in a grim reaper costume and stand across the street from the nursing home and wave at the old folks.
When will vegeterians stop eating my food`s food??
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores? Same. But I`m in a liquor store.
Can’t wait till I’m old and I can play the ‘fall asleep’ card in awkward situations.
To make it stand, you wet it. To make it wet, you suck it. To make it stiff, you lick it. To get it in, you push it. Threading a needle isn`t easy.
My house was clean yesterday, sorry you missed it.
I feel bad for lions at zoos. How would you feel if a bunch of pizzas came to your house, took your picture, and you couldn’t even eat them?
Save some time and just put your Taco Bell directly in the toilet.
90% of parenting is just screaming at your kids to stop screaming.
Weekends will from now on begin on Wednesday because that is when it should truly begin!
I`m ABSOLUTELY positive I`d accidentally kill myself within 3 minutes of owning a light saber.