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you know....I must be drop dead sexy because....cashiers are always checking me out….
Relationship status: Don`t tell me to calm down! You called a stormtrooper a robot!
I swear, watching people at a 4-way stop sign is like watching ‘Night at the Roxbury.’ “Him? Me? Oh Me? Me or Him?”
Women spend more time thinking about what men think than men actually spend thinking.
I like Tuesday, it rhymes with Boozeday...
Pain makes you stronger. Tears make you braver. A broken heart makes you wiser. And alcohol makes you not remember any of that sh!t.
Empty your medicine cabinet and put another mirror in there. Scares the hell out of snooping house guests.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated...go figure.
Alcohol doesn’t make you fat… it makes you Lean… on tables, chairs & random ugly people.
I will be good today... I will be good today... I will be good today... Yeah.... I didn`t believe it either..
An apple a day will keep anyone away ... if thrown hard enough.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells "CODE RED, CODE RED" really loud then people scurry like mad.
If your parachute doesn`t deploy, you have the rest of your life to fix it.
I failed my driver`s test. For the question "What do you do at a Red Light?" I said "Text and check Facebook."
I’m the type of person who looks at the menu for five minutes but ends up ordering the same exact thing every time.