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My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying don`t run into anyone you know
Flies only live for 24 hours.. Except for the ones that get in your house. Those bastads live forever.
The awkward moment when you have 10 tabs open and cannot figure out which one the music is coming from.
I’ll stop being so lazy when being so lazy stops being so awesome.
"Try to score a goal. Don`t use your hands. See you afterwards." - Soccer coaches
Learn cursive, they said. You`ll need it your whole life, they said.
A bachelor party is a lot more appropriate after a divorce than before a wedding.
Still haven`t cashed in my winning megamillions ticket...scared the $6 will make my friends treat me different.
I`m not leaving here without some kind of balloon.
Telling people your phone is gonna die, But you really just don’t want to text them.
A real man should never wave faster than he says the word “hey”
Im out like a fat kid playing dodge ball
Imagine how out of control drinking would if we didn`t have hangovers
The phrase "the truth shall set you free" does not apply to murder.
My family tree is a cactus, we`re all pricks.