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Well, I`m really not sure what my spirt animal is but I`m sure it looks like road kill right about now.
As your best friend, I swear to always pretend to be your lesbian lover when you are getting hit on by an ulgy ass hole in a bar.
Do you ever get the feeling that you’re being watched? Because if it’s bothering you, I’ll stop.
Just had a fight with my alarm clock. It wanted me to wake up, I disagreed. Things got violent. Now the alarm clock is broken and I`m wide awake. Not sure who won.
A fun part of your 40s is waking up thinking you`re hungover, and then remembering, nope, this is just how my body feels now.
Picture a scavenger hunt where the only items on the list are "your house keys" and "your house." Well, son, that`s what drinking is like.
When you leave store without buying anything and all you can think is `keep calm, you`re innocent`.
I don`t mean to brag, but my posts are enjoyed by well over 20 people worldwide...
So Stevie Wonder is going to become father to triplets next year. I guess he didn`t see that coming...
It`s the little things in life that count, like pills.
LOSE WEIGHT FAST! Mix equal parts warm water, apple cider vinegar, & lemon juice toss that disgusting sh!t into a sink & get on a treadmill.
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex. Now it`s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
A few more months without getting laid and I should be eligible for employment at Gamestop.
Have you ever loved someone so much, you wanted to keep them hidden from the world and all to yourself? Well, apparently its called kidnapping
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn`t mean to answer the call.