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Don’t text and drive. You don’t want “lol” to be the last thing you say before you die.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
Job interview: Please tell us why you’d love to work for us? ME: I need money :)
You can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn`t come back, what you`ve lost is a regular pigeon.
If I lean to the left. I am not trying to whisper in your ear. I`m married. I`m gonna fart.
does anyone know if smurfs are gluten free
When does paying taxes get shut down? Asking for everyone with a job.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says "We need to talk".
When a cashier asks if you have a loyalty card just sigh and say, "My wife took everything when she left"
You`ve got to love yourself. But not in public places.
One things for sure, I can always count on my fingers.
there is no strong beer, only weak men
I`m a compulsive liar. Every thing I say is a lie. And that`s the truth.
I`d like to thanks all the girls for wearing yoga pants. It is the only reason why we`re not complaining about how cold this winter it
If only there was a way to voice a highly uneducated opinion to thousands of people on a regular basis