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He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
It`s Thanksgiving. Don`t forget to set your scale back 25 lbs
How do they put the "do not walk on the grass" signs up?
Now that my kids are getting older, I`m worried I`ll never have the opportunity to leave my wife for the nanny.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it`s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach`s.
If life Sucks, what makes you think death doesn`t Blow??
I feel like water solves all problems. Wanna lose weight? drink water .. clear face ? Drink water.. Tired of your better half? Drown them
Ever noticed how fast people walk across the road when you don`t apply the brakes
My wrinkles are all from laughter. Except those between my eyebrows. Those are my `WTF` lines and those things are deep.
She said there`s no difference between turkey bacon and regular bacon, and now I`m supposed to just "forget about it"?
I`ve been baptized five times this week in five different churches. I wish the landlord would hurry up and fix my shower.
I’m so happy people can’t hear what I’m thinking.
Whether a Vacuum is on or off, it`s always collecting dust.
My husband told me he needed more space ... So I locked him outside.