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My greatest talent is being able to watch 5 years worth of a TV shows in one week.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
When I was your age we had to open all doors by ourselves ... None of them knew we were coming.
Ever wonder why divorces are expensive? Because they are worth it!
May be time to get in shape. Halfway up this flight of stairs and I`m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
You`d think that with as much time as women spend looking at their butt in the mirror they would be able to parallel park.
Opening the Tupperware cupboard at home should be regarded as an extreme sport.
Why is it always "I see you drank all the beer today!" instead of, "Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator."
How do you get in touch with the models in the pictures that come with the frame? I have an out of control, elaborate lie I need help with.
I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
I just discovered my oven CAN CLEAN ITSELF! Naturally I will be searching my apartment looking for similar buttons.
One way to find out if you`re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you`re young, if they panic, you`re old.
You know you`re getting old when Happy Hour is a nap.
Of all the advice given to me over the years, “There really is no bad time for a beer” has proved to be the most helpful.
"Because it would be hilarious,"... is probably not a good reason to elect someone to be president.