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The human body is roughly 60% water. I`m not fat, I`m flooded.
Whenever I start feeling spontaneous, my bank account quietly reminds me to calm down.
The worst part of being naked is not having pockets.
I`m not ignoring you, I am simply giving you time to reflect on what an idiot you are being.
There is literally no way of knowing how many chameleons are in your house.
I said "sad face emoji" instead of actually frowning today if you want to know how out of touch with reality I am.
Maths teacher: If you have 12 chocolates and you give 5 to Mary, 3 to Claire and 2 to Elizabeth then what will you get? Me: 3 new girlfriends.
Don`t hide your feelings. Hide the evidence.
Don’t run with scissors — unless you’re stealing scissors, of course. If so, run. Run like the wind scissor thief!
My girlfriend asked me to send some dirty pics. So I sent her a picture of my sink full of dishes. :)
I try to avoid trouble but I think it likes me.
I like calling the Psychic Hotline and asking them what I`m wearing.
My wife wrote an email to me saying she was concerned that we have communications issues. I immediately sent an IM asking her to clarify. She messaged me on Facebook saying not to worry but that sometimes we’re not as connected as she’d like. I tweeted her that I love her more than anything. She texted me that she loves me too and sent me a poem on Pinterest explaining how tired she was after a long day of work leading to her email. So I leaned over and kissed her good night.
Hibernation should be a human thing too.
“Is it food time yet?” = The summarization of most of my thoughts.