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It’s like these fools at the gym have never seen someone with roller skates on the treadmill before.
That awkward moment when you make a Harry Potter reference and none of your Muggle friends get it.
The invention of the shovel must have been ground-breaking.
Todays hot tip: Boomerangs and Attention Deficit Disorder don`t mix.
OMG! A CUSTOMER ALMOST DIED IN FRONT OF ME TODAY!! But then I counted to 10 and put the scissors back in the drawer. She never even knew.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
They should make an app that tells me how many Oreos I can eat for every mile I jog.
One out of every 4 Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they´re okay, then it´s you.
How big does a cupcake have to be before it`s just a cake?
They should really be Middle-Age Mutant Business Turtles by now.
Staring longingly at the door works for my dog, but I tried it at work and no one let me out. :(
If I could have a superpower, it would be the ability to watch people workout and then absorb their health benefits...
I robbed a bank yesterday....now the question is, what to do with all that sperm....
It seems racist that they call it Black Friday just because a bunch of people are trying to get into stores in the middle of the night.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.