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I think the only way I’ll ever be motivated to go to the gym is if I’m in prison.
To those that manufacture and market tight, thin yoga pants to fit college girls; I love you man.
Watching someone else play a video game is like watching someone who won`t let you join in while they`re masturbating.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn`t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
Nice try Jehovah’s Witnesses but dressing up like cops and telling me you have a warrant is not going to get me to open my door.
I totally love and fully respect that you`re a little bit slutty
Australian kiss. It`s kind of like a French kiss, but down under.
Being normal? Ugh. I can`t imagine how awful that must be.
I`m all for change as long as it doesn`t directly affect my routine.
Doctors waiting room needs some music. And better lighting. And more women. And a pole in the middle of the room. And a buffet.
F*ck spiders. F*ck them and the way they move their legs, f*ck their ability to multiply by the million and f*ck their eight, beady little black eyes that offer unblinking, soulless glimpses of the blackest depths of hell itself.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
Boobs are like the Sun. You can stare at them directly just for a few seconds, but if you put on sunglasses, you can stare as much as you want!
Job interview tip: repeatedly ask if you`re under oath
It’s amazing what I’m able to get done when I need to do something else.