Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
I don`t hate you. I just hope your next period happens while you`re in a shark tank!
Iām a really down to earth guy because, you know, gravity.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, Iād spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
I`ve been around the block a few times, but then my neighbor realized I was drunk and helped me into my house.
My superpower is getting behind the person who is obviously refinancing their mortgage at the ATM.
Irony: Asking God to help you on a science exam.
Beach Rule #17: Never ask anyone under the age of 35 if they`ve seen your shuttlecock
I finally quit eating pizza for good, now I only eat pizza for evil.
It`s pretty neat how owning a pool gives me an excuse to own every chemical needed to make a body completely disappear.
Leaving the house on a Monday morning would be so much cooler if someone would yell "Aaaaand Action!" as I walk out the door.
Screw doing situps...teddy bears don`t and everyone loves them.
According to the police, public masturbation is not considered a "street performance". Even if you have a hat on the ground on front of you.
With my eyes. That`s how I roll.
I`ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
My Facebook account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.