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To all the waiters out there: we don`t get impressed when you try to memorize our orders, we just get nervous.
When a woman asks you to guess her age, it`s like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb
Fun Fact: if you took the skin of an average person and laid it out flat,you would have enough for a serious criminal conviction :)
Automatic doors make me feel like a Jedi
This beer tastes like I’m going to text you later.
I’m not stealing my neighbor’s WiFi…their WiFi is trespassing into my house.
If it was the other way around, I doubt one cat would take in 23 old ladies.
"You CAN even."- white girl life coach
So far the "couch" part of couch-to-5k is easily my favorite.
Last night a movie theatre was robbed of $1000. The thieves took one large bag of popcorn, a combo meal, and a box of milk duds.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
Ya know what I really hate about mornings? People start talking to me!
FANNNN...DANNNNN....GOOOOO. Breathe The A`s.
In my defense Your Honor, I thought she had been stung by a jellyfish.
I`m just amazed after all these years that we STILL haven`t seen Mario`s buttcrack.