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Missed Connection: You were standing at the RedBox. I was in my car self pleasuring. I accidentally honked like 8 times.
I don’t understand how my house gets so messy when I literally sit in one spot with my phone all day.
The key to successful relationships is not to start any.
Pringles cans should have a twist mechanism like stick deodorant.
I just found if you tuck one part of a pants leg into your sock,,,, people expect less of you.
Went down the gym and burnt 1200 calories today. I forgot to take the pizza out of the oven!
That "No alcohol beyond this point." sign might as well say "I bet you can´t chug that whole beer!"
If an officer asks “do you know why I pulled you over?” “Because it’s the only way to get girls to talk to you” is a bad answer, apparently
How about first you show me your benefits and THEN I`ll let you know if we can be friends.
Having sex is like doing FRACTIONS... It`s IMPROPER for the larger one to be on top.
Do you ever start writing a status and half way through you’re just like… nah
Love makes the world go round, but alcohol makes it go round twice as fast!
Lets watch a reality show about nasty rednecks acting like rednecks, but get mad when one of them says something a redneck would say
I`m not opposed to manscaping, but I don`t see the point of cutting the grass until somebody takes interest in the property.
The best thing about the internet is knowledge. You have all this knowledge at your fingertips! And we get to share what we learn with others! Oh...wait a second. I forgot about porn. OK I take it back. PORN is the best thing about the internet!