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My credit rating is so bad I got turned down for a magazine subscription.
A birth control pill a day keeps the mini-van away.
When people tell me "You`re gonna regret that in the morning"...I sleep in till noon, because I`m a problem solver.
Ferris Bueller did more in one day than I did last year.
If any of you ever want your kitchen painted orange just give a six year old Cheetos for lunch and tell them not to make a mess. Works every time.
I’m not shy, I’m just really good out figuring out who is not worth talking to.
This girl says she wants me to butter her muffin ... I don’t even know what that means, but now I’m hungry.
I hate taking down Christmas decorations just to put up Halloween decorations...
YOU KNOW WHY!!!!!!!!!!
All I`m saying is if I`m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
Is it annoying when people answer their own questions? Yes it is. Do I wish they would stop? Absolutely.
If you expect the world to be fair with you because you are fair with them....its like expecting a lion not to eat you because you don`t eat lion.
Sharks aren’t so bad. If some stranger entered my house wearing only a Speedo, I would probably attack him too.
This ad says: "3 out of 5 smokers die" Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
Pizza delivery cars should be allowed to use sirens.