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You can pretty much text anything as long as you put a happy face emoticon afterwards. You`re a slut :)
Who needs a social life when you have Netflix and a fridge full of food?
I pay $200 a month for car insurance, I`ll run all the red lights I want
We could learn a lot from our dogs.... If you can`t eat it or play with it, then pee on it and walk away
people say i talk in my sleeep , but no one at work seems to notice
You offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she’s not your friend anymore.
I have more conversations in my head than I do in real life.
If anybody tells you you’re putting too much Parmesan on your pasta, stop talking to them. You don’t need that negativity in your life.
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: "None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare."
A lot of attractive people are like nice cars with the check engine light on.
Arguing over a girl`s bust size is like choosing between Heineken, Coors or Budweiser -- Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.
We’re all mature until somebody brings out the bubble-wrap.
I don’t think I get enough credit for doing everything I do while being unmedicated.
I just found my Christmas Spirit.... It`s been in aisle 6 at this liquor store the whole time!
I thought I cracked this "adulthood" till I realised my shirt was on inside out !!!!!