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I don`t hate anyone. I just don`t like people.
Did anyone hear the one about the cross dresser? The happiest day in his life was when he finally got into his girlfriend`s pants.
Its not my fault if I blame everyone for my mistakes...right?
I like it like that
I tried being awesome today, but I was just so tired from being awesome yesterday.
Honestly, I`m so awesome that I wish I could meet myself and get my own autograph.
Sometimes I whisper, "I´m on your side" to the computers, just in case they ever succeed in taking over the world.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
My car broke down outside a massage parlor on today ... And again tomorrow.
I can’t believe it’s 2012 and there is still no fold button on my dryer.
That awkward moment when you’re yelling at someone and you mess up a word.
Who named the walkie talkie and why isn`t the vacuum called the pushy sucky?
It`s never good when Human Resources sends you an email and the subject line is "Your Facebook Activity".
True Story: People will believe you when start a story saying "True story"
Any convenience store that requires the customer to wear pants isn’t convenient at all.