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Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.
When people ask me what I`m going to be on Halloween, the answer is always the same: really drunk
You don`t get to complain about life until you move out of your parent`s house.
I don’t understand how a cemetery can raise its funeral prices and blame it on the cost of living.
Shouldn`t there have been at least one scene in The Karate Kid where Daniel`s mom was like "Why are you constantly in that old man`s shed?"
The hardest part of being a gentleman is going to all of these gentlemen’s clubs.
Sometimes I feel as though my life should be documented for future generations.
All other things being equal, tall people use more soap.
Now that "twerk" has been added to the dictionary, I can`t wait for a Spelling Bee judge to be asked to use it in a sentence.
I wonder how often I’ve narrowly avoided death without even noticing.
Im 6`1", blue eyes, light brown hair, fit, own my own compa......oh crap, wrong website, sorry.
“How are feeling today?” is a polite reminder that you were a mess the night before.
If you think my status updates are ridiculous you should see my life choices
I own a shop selling `CLOSED` signs. We haven`t had a single customer today.
On one issue, at least, men and women agree: they both distrust women.