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I know you people are crazy. I can spot my own kind a mile away.
The beauty of vodka is that it looks like water. The beauty of the workplace is that water bottles are allowed.
I hate it when I`m in a crowded elevator and yell out "GROUP HUG!" and people look at me all weird and stuff.. Making friends is hard.
I don`t like making plans for the day, because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
Why is it called when animals attack? It should be called when retarded people go near dangerous animals.
Its hotter than a three peckered billy goat!
This police sketch artist has no idea that he`s about to draw me as the most bad ass Batman caricature ever.
I bet the guy that was looking forward to his next life and came back reincarnated as me is really disappointed.
I trust Snapple facts more than CNN and Fox News.
Turns out a At Home DNA Test is not a good baby shower gift.
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two, but the more important question is, how did they get in there in the first place?
I’m watching this show on stalkers, still haven’t seen any of you yet.
Never resist a mad impulse to do something nice for me.
You ever notice “q”, “p”, “b” and “d” is the same letter but with a different angle.