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I bet you $567.89 you can’t guess how much I owe my bookie.
If every social website was set up to look like a spreadsheet, pretending to work would be so much easier for me.
feels like getting some work done ... so I am sitting down until the feeling passes.
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
A plus side to being my friend is that you can come to my house in your pajamas and I won’t judge you because I too will be in my pajamas.
Sometimes, just to annoy my Therapist, I’ll ask him; “so how does my lack of progress make you feel?”
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
Stop picking on Justin Bieber. That`s somebody`s daughter.
A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s…That’s because she changes it more often.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
Exercise can add years to your life. For example, I just ran 2 miles and I now feel like I`m 82.
Starting to think my wife might have a tumor. She`s had a headache for the past 15 years.
I bet if you asked a one-eyed person, they`d tell you it really WAS all fun and games up until that point.
Remember....... Its not drinking alone if you`re on Facebook ;)