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Why do people say ”I saw it with my own eyes.” Do they sometimes use other peoples eyes?
Did anyone hear the one about the cross dresser? The happiest day in his life was when he finally got into his girlfriend`s pants.
If my sarcasm confuses you it`s because you`re stupid.
I don`t know about you . But everytime I go on Twitter , I get this weird feeling , I am being followed.
I am pretty sure dry cleaning is a scam where they just laugh and rub money on your clothes then hang them back up in a plastic bag.
I don`t know if I`ve got some free time, or if I just forgot what the hell I`m supposed to be doing...
Facebook should have a limit on times you can change your relationship status... After 3 it should default to "Unstable"
The phrase "use of the jerk-off motion is prohibited" has been added to our HR manual because of me. It`s like winning an award.
It would serve me better if they put shopping carts in the middle of the store where my pride realizes I have too much sh!t to carry.
I`m not saying my wife`s voice is annoying, but right now I`m really jealous of deaf people.
When someone is murdered, they always investigate the spouse 1st. And that pretty much tells you everything you need to know about marriage.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like `responsibility`
I`m trying to lose weight by eating carrots and bran muffins. It`s a fiber-optics diet.
I don’t drink to forget about problems. I drink to create new problems that that make the old issues irrelevant.
Nothing says " My divorce didn`t go as planned " quite like the guy with grocery bags hanging on the sides of his bicycles handlebars