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Admit it at some point in your life you have tried to close the fridge slowly to see when the light goes out...
I don’t know if I have a stalker, but if I do, could you drop off some milk. Thanks.
Either my cooking’s improved or my family’s immune systems have strengthened.
This empty wallet looks like I`ll be laughing obnoxiously at some guy`s awful jokes in a bar tonight.
Every cigarette you smoke takes 5 minutes off your student loan debt.
Given the places I`ve had my tongue, no we cannot "just be friends".
I`m going to start looking for the good in all people I meet this year. Except for the a$$holes.
If you think someone is staring at you: 1. Yawn 2. If they yawn, they were staring.
I see you`ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Everytime I see a person jogging I already know they have facebook, everyone on facebook works out.
If he remembers your eye color after the first date, then you probably have small boobs
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says "Please give me a hand" is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
Don`t understand how people in depression commercials can be sad with how attractive they are.
Redneck`s famous last words: "Is that enough duck tape?"
If you want to go running with me, you`d better be prepared to walk a lot.