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Nothing makes me turn off my car and start leisurely Facebooking than someone honking at me to pull out of a parking space.
Don’t worry I won’t tell anyone.. and if I do, I’ll tell them not to tell anyone.
You ever wonder why it`s only women who need exorcisms?
I`m running out of people I can tolerate!
There’s a very short list of things you can have in your hand while running without looking crazy.
Jehovah`s witnesses tell the worst knock, knock jokes
I quit my job at the helium factory today. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice.
My resolution for the New Year is to find more situations where it`s acceptable to wear a bathrobe out in public
My girlfriend says I shouldn`t plan things so far in advance. Well, she`s not my girlfriend yet.
When ever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth and drink all the rum inside. It seems to help.
Whenever I try cleaning my room I either end up making a bigger mess, or just playing with the stuff I thought I lost.
I`m at my most popular when I just want to be alone.
Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance… The five stages of waking up.
i like boobs
I licked some of the frosting, but then I just ate the whole cake. No evidence. Problem solved.