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Happiness comes from within. That’s why it feels good to fart.
The only government agency that listens to you is the NSA.
The object of golf.... is to play the least amount of golf.
I drink because people talk.
We can`t all be princesses, somebody has to clap as I go by. :P
I`m combining Easter and April Fools day this year - I`m sending the kids out to look for eggs I haven`t hidden.
My GPS says "time of arrival" ... I see "time to beat."
I am not as think as you drunk I am
lifes like a box of chocolates, never know whatcha gonna get (:
The party`s not over `till you smile for the mugshot
You had me at "do we need to stop at the liquor store on the way to your place"
The only time I`ve ever used sex to get what I want is when I want sex.
I declare today, “Hit that dumb person you’ve always wanted to punch in the face day.”
Me: Mom...Dad. I`ve decided to live on my own from now on. Parents: ok, cool. Me: Your luggage is outside
"I love you unconditionally*." -God *certain terms and conditions apply. See Bible for more details.