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It’s the getting ahead that I’m running behind on.
I gotta ask you a sirius question....do you know the muffen man
Next time a customer service rep asks “Is there anything else I can do for you?” whisper “Smile for the camera, I’m watching you” & hang up
I don’t understand how people have to “get ready for bed”…I’m always ready for bed.
I like Tuesday, it rhymes with Boozeday...
Commercials led me to believe that changing shampoos would have a much bigger effect on my life.
Marriage counselling: Because sometimes your wife needs to hear from a professional that she`s being a bitch.
the real full form of M.B.A....Married But Available
I want to be something scary for Halloween so I am going as a positive pregnancy test......
Why haven’t we just found someone ballsy enough to dress up as Mrs Bigfoot and catch him already?
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
I am not sure why a guy getting trapped in a vagina sculpture is big news...men have been trapped by vaginas for many years.
"Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it, I better call the police!" - literally no one ever
It makes me sad that the closest I`ll ever get to `hulking out` is splitting my trousers when I bend over.
Things ain`t nobody got time for: That