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Women, if you want to strike a bit of fear into your man, just smile really big and ask him, "Notice anything different?"
"I really should buckle down and get my rap album going"-Me, every time I drink
this website used to be full of funny statuses. Then the 8-year olds came in.
I can`t face my checkbook so I check my Facebook.
"How much for the man cave?" "Sir that`s a doghouse." "Can you install cable?"
Hiding from people at parties is my cardio.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they`d lose the alarm and just announce that there`s free food by the stairs.
Here hold my dignity, I`ve got some sketchy shit to do.
Thoughts of you make my demons nervous.
Nascar would be so more entertaining if they threw banana peels and turtle shells.
What if , one day you randomly wake up and realize that you`re whole life was just a dream.
I`m surprised people still ask me if I want to hold their baby given the number of times I`ve dropped and shattered my phone
Played hide and seek today. I was winning until the cops let the K9 off of the leash.
Depression is wanting to lay down and realizing that you are already laying down.
Cops are allowed to tell women they have the right to remain silent, but when I do it I wind up with a fork in my leg.