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Balloons think they’re so cool. I tried to tell one he was leaking and he just said, “Pfft.”
Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of Alcohol
That`s not chapstick in my front pocket.
WARNING!! I have character defects and I`m not afraid to use them.
Remember, no matter how bad a day you may be having, no matter how sh!tty a situation you may be in... I`m feeling great. So it`s all good.
I sure do feel a lot more attractive at Walmart than I do at the gym.
If a woman is talking to me about her problems, I better be the cause of them.
Women who say the quickest way to a man`s heart is through his stomach, have not seen his browser history.
You say mystery bruise, I say drinking badge of honor.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
Statistically: 1 in 7 dwarfs are grumpy
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting "LOL" on relationship statuses on Facebook.
Success is like a fart. It only bothers people when it`s not their own.
You know it`s cold outside... when you step on dog poop and roll your ankle
My sex life is just like my typing skills. One handed.