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Apparently, walking up behind a girl in the produce isle with celery in my hand and saying "I`m stalking you" was much funnier in my head.
The covers of this book are too far apart.
Remember when there was more important crap to do besides Facebook all day? Me neither.
Nothing says God is forgiving like hell.
Engineers: "okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it"
Screaming out "BOOM PREGNANT!" during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
No matter which path you choose, there will always be some asshole in front of you trying to make a left.
Whenever you feel like a genius, remember there was a time in your life when you were learning to not poop your pants.
I am not saying you are stupid, because I thought you already knew
One time I threw a boomerang and lost it.. So now I have to live in constant fear.. O_o
Testing shows that people in the USA know less about geography than England, Japan and like 100 other countries I`ve never heard of.
I say the things better left unsaid.
3 out of 4 Americans make up 75% of the population.
This day will end with either wine or shopping. Probably both.
When your wife says she needs a new broom it`s best not to ask if she broke the last one in a crash landing.