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That mini heart attack you get when the parked car next to you moves and you think you’re moving.
I saw a woman crying as she was buying tampons earlier.....must be going through a tough period in her life....
Steve Jobs` text was meant to say: "I reign as CEO of Apple" Iphone autocorrect strikes again!
I wish there was an observation deck at WalMart.
Don`t be sad laundry, nobody`s doing me either.
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
Half the lies they tell about me aren`t true
My tombstone will probably say, "Dead, but finally sober".
The Never Ending Story should`ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
I think the Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day.
Chicken pot pie sounds like a great idea if you add commas.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
I thought there`d be more sex during my sexual prime.
Just because nobody complains doesn`t mean all parachutes are perfect.
It`s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he`s getting hit by a train.