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My first career was working as a Ventriloquist on a Radio Program, I got let go when people kept calling in to say my lips were moving.........
“Swearing is unattractive” I’m not attractive anyway so f*ck off
I found a bottle of vodka under my bed, skittles under my pillow, & boxes of noodles in my closet. I`m like a fcuking alcoholic squirrel.
I`m curious: Do girls shake the gasoline nozzle when they`re taking it out of their cars too?
I`m so bored at work that I`m actually doing my job.
Helpful Tip : Never ask the cop to hold your beer while you dig out your drivers license.
Nothing in the world is more expensive than a women who’s free for the weekend
There is no evidence that exists that life should be taken seriously.
I love when people dig their own grave. It saves me so much time.
My friends always use to say, "there`s plenty of fish in the sea." But looks like I ignored their advice and ended up marrying a whale.
Saying something stupid and thinking “Yeah, that sounded way better in my head"
"Mounting debt" sounds way sexier than it is.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
WARNING: Every single thing I post from here on in, is alcohol induced.
"Be strong" I whisper to my coffee.