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I`ll never understand those people who say, "I mainly use facebook for my family." And I`m thinking to myself..."Umm...isn`t that what real life is for?"
People hate the truth. Luckily, the Truth doesn`t give a $#!t.
Saw a midget go into a store while wearing a KKK outfit and thought... That`s a little racist.
When a woman asks you to guess her age, it`s like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb
I was pretty sure that at this point in my career I would have henchmen by now!
I´m (insert your name) BITCHES!!!! Deal with that.
Well I was gonna donate blood today until the lady got all personal and started asking "who´s blood is this?" and "How did you get it?"
Dating would be a lot easier if the opposite sex had a tail. That way, I could see if it was wagging or not after I did or said something.
If there are ice cream trucks in the summer, why aren`t there hot chocolate trucks in the winter?
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I`ll never know.
On Mondays I like to reply to all my bosses emails with `unsubscribe`
It`s such a cold winter this year that the squirrels are collecting more nuts than usual. So far 3 of my neighbors have disappeared...
I tried kickboxing, but I couldn`t get the hang of walking with boxing gloves on my feet.
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
I want my children to have all the things I never had so then I can move in with them.