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I swear, watching people at a 4-way stop sign is like watching ‘Night at the Roxbury.’ “Him? Me? Oh Me? Me or Him?”
Doctor: How is your headache? Me: She is fine.
that moment when somebody calls your house phone and ask where you are
I am pretty sure dry cleaning is a scam where they just laugh and rub money on your clothes then hang them back up in a plastic bag.
Nothing in the world is more expensive than a women who’s free for the weekend
People who walk down the escalator. Stop it, we have enough over achievers!
My problem? Smart phones are too smart.
I was gonna call you... but I`m still sober.
Going to write hasbro a nasty letter!!! The monopoly get out of jail free card doesn`t work...since I`m texting you can you come bail me out?
I just ate a Cheeto that melted perfectly in my mouth! It was Awesome! ....Until I realised that was the highlight of my day.
Hey baby, wanna come to myspace and twitter my yahoo `till i google all over your facebook?
I can`t help but smile when I see a woman wearing a Supertramp Concert t-shirt
It’s the most wonderful time of the year… to be slowly driven insane by Christmas music.
So red or white wine with hamburger helper?
The awkward moment when someone say "I gotta use the restroom.... Never mind."