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Men like football because the priorities in football are also the biggest priorities in every man’s life…. Scoring and Ball Security.
Does any one know how to lower the difficulty settings on tinder?
I`m all over that like a fat kid on a Smarty
Sometimes I get nervous I haven`t done anything with my life. But then something good comes on TV, and I`m OK.
I often wondered what it`d be like to be married to an idiot. I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
Your duty as a friend is to LIKE my Facebook posts even if they suck.
If I could have anything in the world it would be to have the same finger prints as my enemy
Anything I say or do before I`ve had my coffee doesn`t count.
I`m not leaving here without some kind of balloon
You can save a lot of money by walking face-first into a spiderweb every morning instead of buying coffee.
I like to refer to myself as a "Second-hand Vegetarian". Animals eat grass. I eat animals.
pens and pencils are drumsticks and desks and textbooks are drum kits. its a fact.
The inside of my fridge: evidence that I’m still not a real adult.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn`t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn`t her grandmother.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.