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Doctors and scientists agree on the benefits of an afternoon nap, yet still my boss thinks he knows better. Ridiculous.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
I knew the fun part of my life was over when my friends started getting pregnant on purpose
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you`ll have good luck. Or some kind of virus because pennies are dirty and gross.
If you ever hear me say that I missed you it`s only because I have bad aim.
You know its a bad day when your fat pants are tight :(
Whenever my wife sings I have to go outside. Not to get away from her, but to prove to my neighbors I`m not beating her.
Good morning my friends ... Wait a minute ... What the f*ck am I doing up this early.
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task.
Im at my classiest when my neighbor catches me begging my dog to sh!t faster because it`s cold.
Have you ever noticed how people who play candy crush are always saying they need a life?
As a kid, my parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called "Identity Theft".
It`s always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I always say, "I love you" and they`re like, "thank you for choosing Domino`s."
So apparently airport security doesn`t like it when you call shotgun before boarding a plane.