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When the cashier asks "How`s your day going?" I reply "I`m buying 3 bottles of wine, it`s clearly only getting better."
!that embarrasing moment when you fake a call then a real one comes...!lol.
Sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck.
if you hold a dinner fork really close to your eyes, you can pretend that they`re in jail
I just found handcuffs, a whip and a mask in my girlfriend’s bedroom. I can’t believe she’s a super hero.
Well, if anything, the Mayans did teach us one valuable lesson. If you don`t finish something...it`s really not the end of the world.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
I only call them yoga pants because Netflix and eat leftovers pants was too long.
bored out of my mind in class i began staring into space... space happened to be right in front of me at the time...
FACT: 99.7% of guys named "Dan" are not actually "The Man".
Idea: maybe the police force for a town of 20,000 shouldn`t have access to weapons you ordinarily need cheat codes to get
Did you know you can go to any gym without having to announce it on Facebook?
I procrastinate so much I’ll probably put off death and never die.
Ever notice how many friends you have when you pull out a pack of gum?
All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.