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How do bats hang upside down without crapping on themselves?
Keep the dream alive......... Hit the snooze button.
The awkward moment when you’re that one friend who always gives relationship advice but is still single.
I like pressing F5. It`s so refreshing.
Nothing changes a Facebook relationship status faster than a weekend full of tagged photos!
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Today I noticed that the cover of my ironing board was wrinkled, and I laughed at the irony. Then I laughed again because of the word "irony."
If you’ve gauged huge holes in your ears and don’t keep Oreo cookies in them for snacks then what the hell’s the point man?
I have problems cleaning my house because I get distracted by all the fun things I find.
I just saw a 3D printer at the UPS store. It`s kind of cool, but I won`t be impressed until it can print snacks...
Some people are grateful for the impact you made in their life…. It’s not me, I think you’re a pr!ck.
My newsfeed looks like a cross between a Civil War Soldier and ZZ Top photo album.
I`d like to give you a big thumb`s-up. But I`m afraid that would be the wrong finger.
I hate to call it "one night stands"... I prefer the term "auditions"
I don`t understand the saying "you snooze you lose"... I hit the snooze button 8 times this morning and feel like a champion.