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Saw some idiot put a water bottle where the Pringles go on the treadmill.
The amount of times I`ve had to say no to the Adobe Updater has totally prepared me to be a parent.
Karate is just a violent way of making people smell your feet.
Light travels faster than sound.. That is why some people appear bright until they speak.
I`ve heard of women that aren`t crazy ... but I`ve also heard of unicorns, so whatever...
Should have never gave my cat a lemon, now he’s walking around like a sour puss.
Checked a lot off my thought-about-doing-today list.
Relationships would be easier if people came with a “Clear History” button.
My GPS says "time of arrival" ... I see "time to beat."
My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I`m pretty sure she was hitting on me.
I like to walk around my house naked… Until my neighbors scream at me to go back inside
My daughter exclaims "Cheers!" before she takes a drink of juice. So no, actually, I am NOT looking forward to parent - teacher conferences.
Some of you need to be driven out to the country and released back into the wild
I may be too old to cut the mustard, but I can still cut the cheese.
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.