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When they discover the center of the universe, alot of people will be shocked they`re not in it.
Idk what was worse, the fact that my girlfriend text me saying “sorry breaking up with you” or that a minute later she text me back “sorry wrong number.”
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don`t tell me about your rough childhood.
I went to the store and saw that Duracell batteries were on sale just before Valentine`s Day. Someone is a marketing genius.
If everything tastes like us, why do we have to die? –Chickens
Dear axe body spray, Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles. Best regards, Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
When I die I want my body donated to science, but more specifically a scientist who is working on bringing dead guys back to life…
Without facebook: more sleep, less drama, and a life!
I love how twix come with two bars so I can eat one now and the other immediately after
I`m painting a blue square in my garden, so that Google Earth thinks I have a pool.
One day I will solve all problems with grace & maturity. Today is not that day...
Do strippers have nightmares where they are in front of a large crowd with their clothes on?
If you put Root Beer in a square glass do you get Beer?
If you can read this please let me know - because it means I blocked the wrong person.
I feel sorry for people who take everything way too seriously.