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Sorry I got drunk and angry and said all those things I meant but still shouldn`t have said.
I cant remember the last time i forgot something
Boss: You`re on another break already? Me: No. This is the same one you saw me on an hour ago.
Why do they ask you "Please press 1 for English, then put you with someone who`s accent is so thick you can`t understand them?
Why doesn’t McDonalds have an order taking microphone on both sides of the car, yet?
Is there ever a day when mattresses are not on sale?
Why was the cat in the bag in the first place?
Guess what I saw today? Everything I looked at.
That awkward moment when you realise you have way more internet friends than real friends.
I get my cardio from caffeine...
I wonder how many couples would still be together if they traded phones for a weekend
When one door closes another one opens. Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work.
So I wanted to publicly apologize for not doing the ice bucket challenge for everyone that nominated me. I don`t give money to charity, unless she is on stage B at 11:30.
At least I know it wasn`t just me that was wondering if the cashier was a man or a woman. I just wish that my 5 year old didn`t ask.
The fastest way to being happy is to make other people happy. You go first.