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I force my dog to watch animal abuse commercials just to show him how good he has it.
Telling a girl to calm down is like trying to baptize a cat.
Men use love to get sex...women use sex to get love...I use coupons to get pizza!
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie in the apocalypse is all the walking.
When I was your age, we drank water straight out of the sink.
Dating someone based only on looks is so shallow. Consider other things, like, do they have a lot of money.
And then I was all: “I’m really getting sick of your shit, bitch.” And then she was all: “To speak with a representative please press 7.”
I need professional help. A chef and a butler should do it.
"I don`t see color." - A person who shouldn`t eat snow.
Me: There has to be a way I can lose weight! Friend: Eat healthy? Exercise? Me: No, that`s not it. Keep thinking! We`ll figure this out.
You know when I was younger I was under the impression that quick sand was going to be a serious issue in life...
An apple a day will keep anyone away ... if thrown hard enough.
Awkward moment when you just wanted a sugar daddy but becomes the First Lady of America!
I finally overcame my fear of skinny dipping. Unfortunately it cost me my YMCA membership.
Sleep is my drug, my bed is my dealer, and my alarm clock is police.