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The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
I`ve gotten to that age where nothing fits right anymore. Even my birthday suit looks like it needs ironing...
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
Remember kids, NEVER light fireworks. Let the adults, who have been drinking all day, light them instead!
People keep asking me what my resolutions are, like they can`t see I`m already perfect...
Stalking is such a strong word. I perfer the term surveillance expert.
Getting stuff out of my refrigerator is like playing Jenga.
When plastic bags become currency, I will be king.
Hillybilly Word Of The Day.."Twerk"..."Welp, I`m done with lunch so I`d better get back twerk!"
It`s so cute how you can throw balls right at kids faces in the Chuck E Cheese ball pit and they think you`re just playing.
My boss doesn’t like it when I play slavery songs at work….
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You`re annoying enough as it is
My new girlfiend is taking forever to exist.
I guess if you spoke your mind, you´d be speechless, huh?
The quality of a good neighbour is not seeing them often.