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I`m terribly sorry but I have decided not to grow up and act my age after all. So there.
I love my car. Without it, I would not be where I am today.
My high school girlfriend got "uses her kids as her facebook profile picture" fat.
The best part of time travel will be sleeping until noon and making it to work on time at 8am.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with.
Nobody on television curses more than the Roadrunner.
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
Just found out the government won`t hire you past age 37. Scratch Navy SEAL off my to do list
I don’t mind going to work. It’s that eight-hour wait to go home that bugs me.
I bet no one in Africa is allergic to gluten.
You the bomb" "No you the bomb" A compliment in America. An argument in the middle east
Pokémon means a totally different thing if you`re stuck in prison.
I`m thinking about remodeling my bathroom and thanks to all your selfies I`m getting some great ideas!!.....
4 out of 5 voices in my head think the other voice is a douche...
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn`t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn`t her grandmother.