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Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight. - The Swiss Army
I like to respond to statuses with .. WOW, Someone needs a Happy Meal.
A lot of talk from the peasants lately about my arrogance.
My phone just changed, `calendar` to `cake radar` and now I really wish I had that.
Get at least eight hours of beauty sleep, 9 if you`re ugly.
This Coffee has given me unrealistic expectations of productivity.
Flies are everywhere, unfortunately the second I grab the fly swatter, they turn into ninjas.
Car sex is not fun...that tailpipe BURNS
The secret of enjoying a good wine: 1) Open the bottle to allow it breathe. 2) If it does not look like it`s breathing, give it mouth-to-mouth.
That moment when you think you know somebody then they pull out an entirely new bag of stupid.
Porn Spoiler.......The plumber doesn`t fix the leak in the kitchen sink...
OK look, if I meet you for a date and you don`t look anything like your pic, then you`re buying drinks for me until you do.
There are two types of people in this world: those who know how to handle stress, and those who need bail money.
I just want you to be happy. And naked.
Is your drama going to have an intermission soon? I need to pee.