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Running on two hours of sleep I’m either way too happy or violently homicidal.
I wish common sense was more common.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats! Many of you are about to be grandparents!
Fact: 96% of all arguments end with somebody saying “Google that shit!”
Thou shall not promote Christmas until after Thanksgiving.
That moment when you run into a spider web and suddenly become a karate master.
I think it`s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
Why do we feel safe under blankets? It`s not like a murderer will come in thinking "I`m gonna ki..- ahh damn! He`s under a blanket
Chinese scientists have discovered the rare rock n roll panda it will only eat A wop bop a loo lop a wop Bamboo
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don`t use words like "East."
A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon!
Women who tell me I have commitment issues have never seen me with a large pizza.
A part of me wants to go on a diet and eat healthy. Sadly that part of me is a liar.
You know it was a good sh!t when you come back and your screensaver is on.
So does screaming at my son in Chuck E. Cheese because he won`t share his game tokens with me make me an evil person? Just kidding! I have no clue whose kid this is.