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I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I`m an adult. Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It`s because I`m poor.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous ... You`re practically begging for typos.
One thing I`ve learned about women is they prefer that I don`t speak
Gimmie a P. Gimmie an R. Gimmie an O. Gimmie a C. Gimmie an R. Gimmie an A. Gimmie an S. Gimmie a....oh, nevermind. I`ll finish this later.
At a wedding reception someone yelled: “All the married men please stand next to the person that made your life worth living” The bartender was nearly crushed to death.
I`m not saying I hate you, but I`d unplug your life support to charge my phone.
Just bought me a medical alert bracelet that says... "probably just sh!tfaced"
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
Some days your the duck. Some days your the goose.
How do we know that all the ancient Greek sculptures aren`t just victims of Medusa?
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. "How`s it going?", "How about the weather?", "Where are your pants?".
Is anyone else`s alcohol tolerance too high for their paycheck?
I`m 84% less productive in a swivel chair.
The original creator of the phrase “common sense” surely didn’t know many people.
"..all the king`s horses & all the king`s men couldn`t get Humpty together again" ... What guy thought horses might figure it out?