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Men hang out in bars for one of two reasons: Either they have no wife to go home to, or they do
Rolling out of bed is easy. Getting up off of the floor is another story.
Just saw the little boy next door licking whip cream off the cat. Pretty sure he heard something he shouldn`t have.
If you surround yourself with people funny enough to make you laugh till your abs hurt, you’ll never have to work out!
It`s possible you drank too much if you have to wait until your court appearance to find out what the hell happened that night
If you like to listen to music while having sex, listen to a live album. That way you will get an applause every 3-4 minutes.
When a girl tells you that she just had her period, you are officially in the friendzone.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won`t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift "from all of us" anymore.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn`t really think your choice was excellent.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people
Why isn’t the default for online shopping “view all”? Who likes to skip through 20 pages of only 12 items…
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
Snails would be terrifying if they moved quickly.
If you walk a mile in my shoes the least you can do is leave a pair of yours to wear.
Now if you’ll excuse me, tonight’s bad decisions aren’t going to make themselves.