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Did you guys know grammar police rhymes with humorless a$$hole?
ASKHOLE: A person who constantly ask for your advice, yet always does the opposite of what you told them
Sometimes I wish I could appear offline in real life too
I slammed the car door on my fingers this afternoon. In related news, there`s an 83% chance that my nephew just added "Mother*ucker" to his vocabulary.
My car said "low on fuel"..I replied "low on cash"..I`m still waiting for a reply..
Ever wanna tell someone to shut the f*ck up even when they are not speaking
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two.
The hardest part about having a vivid imagination is finding enough things to climb on to avoid all the frickin’ lava on the floor!
At this point Washington DC is basically just an elaborate promotional stunt for Grand Theft Auto V.
Today I saw a sign for a suicide helpline on the back of a bus. Wouldn`t it be a lot more helpful if it was on the front?
Nintendo should handle education, I don’t remember half the crap from high school but I know all of Super Mario World’s secrets.
If you find a four-leaf clover it means you have entirely too much time on your hands.
If I ever start a band, I`m going to call it The Voices in My Head. Think of all the fun ways you can tell other people what you`re listening to...
I got food poisoning today. I don`t know when I`ll use it though.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco...they have concrete walls...years of foods and supplies...and best of all the zombies can`t get in without a Costco membership card.