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The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
What do sleeping and sex have in common? I`m not getting nearly enough of either.
I finally got some "me time" being away from the kids. Two whole hours. Would have gotten more, but my knees started getting numb from crouching behind the dryer.
I don`t have to run faster than the lion, I just have to run faster than you.
I drink because people talk.
If you really think about it, "Nightlife" is just a fancy word for drinking alcohol at a place that isn`t your house.
Don`t let the propeller hat fool you... I have no idea how to fly this plane.
She asked me to make her feel special so I gave her a helmet and crayons.
Firemen, Astronauts, and Doctors are the only people who actually followed through on what they wanted to be when they grew up.
I can`t wait to find my soul mate so I can start sleeping on the couch.
Boobs are like the Sun. You can stare at them directly just for a few seconds, but if you put on sunglasses, you can stare as much as you want!
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven`t even seen me in bed yet.
According to WebMD, MedicineNet, Healthline, Mayo Clinic, Symptom Checker, NetDoctor, MedlinePlus, Johns Hopkins and InfoMedNet, I`m OCD.
The human body is amazing... You breathe in oxygen and it converts it into sarcasm.
If the customer is always right, then why isn’t anything for free?