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Boobs are a lot like train sets, they were meant for kids, but dad always ends up wanting to play with them.
Never do I feel as lazy and rude as when someone else in the room is vacuuming.
“They dared me to” is ALWAYS a valid excuse.
When exactly are they going to make Xanax fit my Pez Dispenser?
They keep saying the right person will come along, I think mine got hit by a truck.
I still water my dead plants every 3 months. Just in case...
I`ll never fly Virgin Airlines. Why would anyone want to fly an airline that doesn`t go all the way.
Being an adult is the worst idea ever.
People who describe things as “better than sex” are having the wrong kind of sex.
The guy who used to proofread Hitler`s speeches was the first grammar Nazi.
We all have that one friend that needs to learn how to whisper.
Do you think regular dogs see police dogs and think, “Oh crap! It’s the cops!”?
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
Based on the number of smoke breaks they take, I’m pretty sure the only reason my co-workers have a job is to pay for their cigarettes.
If your cat has a Facebook page, we can`t be friends.