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It doesn`t matter whether the glass is half empty or half full. There`s clearly room for more Alcohol
Times change When I was a kid, werewolves and vampires were very scary. Now everyone wants to have sex with them
Dear liver…. Here is an advance sorry for tonight… sincerely Jimmy…
Life is like a box of chocolates and you`re on a diet so you can`t even enjoy it.
Being a pizza delivery driver is great because literally no one is disappointed to see you
just read a list of "the 100 things to do before you die." I´m pretty surprised "yell for help" wasn´t one of them.
My Ex-Wife: Our relationship is like being in prison! ME: I don’t think so. People have sex in prison.
I`m going to propose with a mood ring so I can easily see a measurement of how excited she really is.
In hell you`re always trying to spread butter that`s too cold.
Ugly is such an ugly word. If I must describe an ugly person I´d prefer to use the term "handsomely-challenged"
When I die, bury me with a pack of smokes, no light. Where I`m going, there will have plenty of free fires to light from.
Dear Fork, I understand that we haven`t spoken since I ran away with dish, but I thought you should know that you have a son. His name is Spork. He has your hair. Sincerely, Spoon
Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.
It bothers me when I see tax money wasted on signs telling deer where to cross the road.
They`re all cop cars when you`re this high.