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Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance…the five stages of me hitting the snooze button in the morning
I totally love and fully respect that you`re a little bit slutty
Apparently putting Alka-Seltzer in my mouth while getting baptized and pretending I’m being possessed by the devil is not funny.
Why isn’t our beer color coordinated for all holiday occasions, instead of just St. Patricks Day?
I only seem to remember I want to lose weight after eating 6 cookies.
It`s a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships.
I`m fat, but I blame my dog for not exercising me enough.
Good things come to those who wait ... Which explains why I`m always late.
My life may be a mess but at least I didn`t make a harlem shake video.
No, no, no, you don`t have to engage in a long explanation of why you`re single. We`ve spent five minutes together, I think I`ve got it.
Happy Fathers Day from your handsomerist and smarterist son
AWESOME!
A world without Facebook would be much more productive.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance in "Holy crap this is a terrible gift but I`ll pretend to love it."
My "Kiss me, I`m Irish" shirt only seems to be working on my dog.