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It`s not a real relationship until their zip code is in your Weather Channel app.
I`m not bothered if someone likes me or Not. Even Angels are hated by Demons.
If I died and went straight to hell, it would take me a week to realize I wasn`t at work anymore.
I’ve never considered myself much of a conspiracy theorist. Then I discovered the letters in Frito Lay could be rearranged to spell Oily Fart- Coincidence?… I think not!!!
The most powerful I ever feel is waving pedestrians to walk in front of my car. "Go forth, and trust that I will not kill you."
I really don`t have time for people that don`t find me hilarious.
I don`t understand why people have to "get ready" for bed....I`m always ready for bed.
Sometimes I post crazy shit just to see if my friend`s list will drop a few #`s
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
Some of us are basically unpaid Facebook interns.
I hate brushing my teeth at night. It signifies I can`t have any more food and I`m never ready for that kind of commitment
Think about how much more stressful life’s most stressful moments would be if accompanied by the running-out-of-time music in Mario Bros.
I don’t know how many girls it takes to change a lightbulb but I guarantee you they’d post pictures of them doing it on Facebook.
When Miley is naked & licks a hammer it’s “art” & “music” ... but when I do it, I`m “wasted” & “have to leave Home Depot"
The best time to re-examine your life is when you find yourself reluctantly nodding to the questions asked at the start of an infomercial.