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Only 273 fruit roll-ups to go until I get my full serving of fruit...
If you don`t know where you are going, any road will get you there.
I was fighting with this gal over who is lazier. I let her win.
Everything happens for a reason. That`s why I drink to everything!
I screamed a Brazilian times during that waxing.
Keychains were invented so that you can lose all of your keys at once.
Before McDonald`s I bet "don`t buy cheeseburgers from a clown" was a pretty hard and fast rule.
Bathtub` spelled backwards is still `bathtub`. It`s not, but for a second there, you believed me.
Summer needs to slow the hell down.
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
Question: : What do you get if you add human DNA to a goat? ... Answer: Kicked out of the petting zoo
Turbo Tax might just be the worst video game I`ve ever played.
I once wrestled an anaconda for 4 straight hours... Then I realized I was just masturbating.
I`m flattered that you took time out from your lack of a life to judge mine.
Thursday doesn`t even count as a day, it`s just the thing that`s blocking friday.