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I clean my house like everyone else ... 5 minutes before someone comes over.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I`m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild
How much do those guys who yell in the back of rap songs make? I could totally do that.
"Wow, that Hungry Man TV dinner sure lives up to its name!" said no hungry man ever.
Don`t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza....
I`ve always wondered why they don`t have a pregnant Barbie doll? Turns out Ken comes in a different box...
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
It`s been rough today, right now I`m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
Peppermint schnapps might seem like a ridiculous drink, but nobody at work ever complains about my breath.
I wouldn`t consider myself someone that litters but I do turn on my windshield wipers while im driving down the road to get rid of that useless flyer some idiot put on my car when I quickly run into the store.
What ? Who ? Exactly my point. Now move along and go read something else. Nosey !!
Santa gets all the credit and I get all the debt.
How many servings of fruit are in a fruit roll up? I`m trying to take my diet seriously now.
Everybody reaches a point in their lives when they die.
It is impossible to simultaneously keep up a) hope and b) with the Kardashians.