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What I lack in height, I make up for in kitchen counter climbing ability.
I wish my money would have sex in my wallet and multiply
Ironically, Internet was made to save our time.
Here`s $30. Drink until I am really good looking, then come and talk to me.
If you’re going to walk really slowly in front of me you should at least have the courtesy to have a slammin booty.
I will always love you, even if I have to from no closer than 300 feet.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. "You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic"
Remember, pretty much all of the “tough guys” you see on TV and movies were theater majors in college.
Sorry, everyone, it looks like my Facebook account was hacked by tequila last night...
You know you`re poor when you sneak into Sam`s Club with some random family just to eat samples for lunch. Yay... Christmas
Facebook: The only place where you get excited when strangers follow you.
Lawns: You cut them, then water them so they grow just so you can cut them again. This does not make sense.
I always say, your laundry is never completely done, unless you do it in the nude. Which probably explains the strange looks at the laundrymat this afternoon.
I may not be the smartest guy in the world, or the richest guy in the world, or the best looking guy in the world, but.... Oh, hell. Now I`m depressed.
I wondered how smokers could afford them, until I realized they don`t have to save for retirement..