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Huge spoiler here ... Did you know Dave is actually NOT the real father of Alvin, Simon, and Theodore.
I just attempted to wash a paper plate if you wonder how much money I have available.
If I`ve learned anything from 50 Shades of Grey, its that women still haven`t figured out you can watch porn at home... for free.
Don`t ``Wine and dine`` me ... ``Champagne`` me ... step it up a notch
SPOILER ALERT for "Finding Bigfoot" TV show - they don`t find him. Again.
figured out today that my GPS has auto-correct....I put in "Beach house" and ended up in my ex`s driveway.
For a guy who cant figure out how a remote works my dad sure has a lot of advice for Obama.
Some of the best decisions I`ve ever made involved me clicking cancel instead of send
I wonder what Facebook employees do at work to waste time.
Sorry, I was not paying attention. I was thinking about having sex with you.
Two drunk guys driving down the road, One says to the other "We must be getting closer to town!" The other guys says, "How can you tell?" He says "Were hitting more frickin people."
"There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU." Things I say to my kids when we`re in public.
The pizza guy just said "see u tomorrow" ...
The difference between me & normal people is the normal
"Sir your phone`s ringing." "Yeah, phones do that."