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My girlfriend would be so mad if he found out that I`m telling people she`s my girlfriend.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
I really should learn to say "congratulations" instead of "are you keeping it?"
My brain is giving me the silent treatment today.
I always tell new hires, don`t think of me as your boss, think of me as your friend who can fire you`re ass
Someone said to me earlier, "Your face looks very familiar". I said, "I know, I`ve had it a long time."
Imagine how much faster Olympic sprinters could run if they saw their wives going through their phones at the finish line
anyone celebrating anything today? Anything at all... doesn`t matter what. I just need something to drink to.
After opening this month`s electric bill, I am no longer scared of the dark.
A new heavy metal Christian Rock band will soon be releasing their debut album. They`re called Nuns `n` Moses.
This goes out to the person who thought of the idea to put stickers on each and every piece of fruit. "Nobody like`s your idea"
My life is a constant battle of preventing my muffin top from becoming a pound cake.
Morning workout: Turn on treadmill. Untangle headphones for 14 minutes. Get frustrated, leave and eat doughnuts.
Whenever I want a klondike bar I just pay for it.
You´re just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!