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Business plan : 1. hold sign that says "free hugs" 2. Whisper during the hug, "it`s $50 to let go"
During the first two weeks of January, people often resolve to lose weight, which is great for me because the line at Golden Corral is much shorter.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
Male or female, no one f*cks with you if you put your lipstick on like The Joker.
Well ... here I am ... cleverly disguised as a responsible adult!
Somebody needs to teach opportunity how to use a doorbell.
PRO TIP: If you walk around the mall hitting kids in the face with the shopping bags, your wife won`t make you carry them.
"We`d be rich if you just said one f*cking word" - me, drunk, talking to my dog
Farts are like children. I`m proud of mine and disgusted by yours.
I just ran a .003048K
If sex between 3 people is called a Threesome and sex between 2 people is called a Twosome... Why is Handsome still a compliment?
If your having a bad day, remember that somewhere on this big planet, someone just lost their straw in a capri sun!!
Top 5 things I stare into: 1) My phone. 2) The fridge. 3) Space. 4) The abyss. 5) Your windows.
Look!!! I am always here for you no matter what,OK? unless there is something good on tv or I`m eating pie
Have you ever noticed that half way through the ColonialPenn insurance commercial, Alex Trebek tries to pull a Jedi-Mind-Trick on us.... "This is the insurance you are looking for." (I didn`t get enough sleep last night.)