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I always like to keep a nice photo of myself for my Facebook profile pic because that is the picture that will be splashed all over the news when I finally go off the deep end.
If you see anything posted from me that involves something normal or appropriate, it is not me. I believe I`ve been hacked.
I hate it when I walk through a metal detector, and my abs of steel set it off.
No body on there deathbed said I wish I had spent more time at work
Just so we’re on the same page, I’m on 43.
When Life Gives You Lemons Don`t make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don`t want your damn lemons! What am I supposed to do with these?! Demand to see life`s manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I`m the man who`s gonna burn your house down! With the lemons! I`m gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!
I`m gonna start a secret porn industry and call it "the Illuminaughty".
I hate it when my cat leaves a dead Smart Car on my doorstep.
Being an adult is the worst idea ever.
Last night I was drunk and asked a cat if it could talk. It said, “Me? How?”
It`s a small world, but I wouldn`t want to paint it.
you know hes a keeper when you know his facebook login and password!
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
I am better off now than I was 4 beers ago...
Drinking doesn’t make me post better Facebook status updates; it just makes me not care what you think of them…