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Who says nothing is impossible. I´ve been doing nothing for years.
People say circumcision dosen`t hurt. I was circumcised when I was born and I couldn`t walk for nearly a year.
How is it that I always seem to buy the plants without the will to live?
looong and hard, yep thats my pencil.
Women have closets full of `I have nothing to wear.`
I put my head between my legs and lean forward.....thats how I roll
I honestly have a fear that one day I`ll leave my house and not be wearing any pants!
I use a blender to make protein shakes in my office every day. That way when I use it to mix up a pitcher of margaritas no one even notices.
Pro tip for picking up girls - keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
If you want to give me dirty looks for being at the liquor store at 9am, don`t be open.
bitches want what they cant have..or thats what I keep telling myself
Man: "You look nice today..." Woman: "Was I ugly yesterday?"
Happiness is realizing you can have as many drinks as you want ... cause you`re not driving.
Half of my life has been spent hoping people don’t see me.
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.