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I had hopes and dreams. Now I have vodka and the internet.
“Wow! My political opinion just changed because of what you posted on Facebook” – said no one ever.
A recent survey of one person reveals that 100% of me thinks I should leave work early.
Why doesn’t a deli slicer just have a scale on it?
I found my wife through online dating. So, she`s definitely got some explaining to do!
I have a life outside of internet, it involves charging my phone.
Ferris Bueller did more in one day than I’ve done in my entire life.
Every time I think I finally have the life I always dreamed of....I wake up.
Pointing out the food you just dropped on the floor to your dog because you`re too lazy to clean it.
If being an a$$hole was a professional sport, my face would be on a box of wheaties.
Man, just think how crazy Gollum goes on the 5th day of Christmas.
Words and phrases I hope do not appear in my obituary: "Skeletal remains", "Dumpster", "Beyond recognition", "Decapitated", "Dental records", "Shallow grave", "Strewn", and "Suicide by Cop."
Girl: What color are my eyes? Guy: 34D.
I don’t understand why drunk me always seems to have more money than sober me.
Never resist a mad impulse to do something nice for me.