Daily Silly Status

I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo

My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused food, drinks. He spat and swore at anyone who came near him and started throwing things everywhere. After that we NEVER played monopoly again.

If they have an Ice Cream Truck for kids why don’t that have a Beer Truck for adults?

I can’t hang out tonight because I’m done with people for the day.

Zebras are just horses that escaped from prison.

Nothing ruins hump day like not getting humped.

I bet the first person that heard a parrot talk really lost their sh!t.

I think I`m gonna glue my thumbs to my nipples and pretend I`m a T-Rex.

I overheard this guy bragging about his fancy hotel sweet. Ptttsht. They are nothing but cheap a$$ mints!

Every Instagram caption should just be, "ARE YOU JEALOUS OF MY LIFE YET??"

I knew we were gonna be friends when you ran into that wall.

When you are a kid, it makes you feel proud when someone says "Wow! You`ve gotten so big since I last saw you!" As an adult, not so much.

I don`t get women. Also, I don`t understand them.

Life`s short ... Drink fast

I`m that friend you have to explain to people before you introduce me... And apologize for after.