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I keep forgetting how bad my memory has become..
Sorry, kids. It appears ninjas ate all of our Halloween candy.
I just want to find someone who will love me for exactly who I am pretending to be.
Alcohol. Because who really wants to remember last night?
There’s always that one person that catches you doing something weird.
If I don`t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
God made men. But sandwiches weren`t going to make themselves. So God made women.
I’ve got a friend whose nickname is “Shagger”. You might think that’s pretty cool. She doesn’t like it
If Starbucks delivered, I would be a morning person.
Strip search? ... Fine, but I`m going to need some background music.
I`m the kind of friend who will help you hide a dead body, but if you betray me, just remember: I know how to hide a dead body.
Her dad said he`d like to see me make an honest woman out of her. I had to resist the urge to tell him that ship sailed long before me.
Merry Christmas week! The time when it’s totally fine to put Peppermint Schnapps in your coffee every morning!
If the liquor store didn`t want me to drink all their alcohol than they never should have put a help wanted sign in the window.
My doctor recommended I increase the amount of Greens in my diet...so I started drinking more Rolling Rock.