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I hate waking up all hungover, eyebrow shaved, and a d!ck drawn on my face ... Especially since I was drinking alone last night.
One man`s trash is another man`s profile picture.
They say if the palm of your hand itches, you`re going to get something. And if your crouch itches, you`ve already got it.
When I was a kid, my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
My fantasy is having two men at once. One cooking. One cleaning.
How long does it usually take for a Happy Meal to start working?.... It`s been an hour.
I should be cleaning and disinfecting the toilet bowl today cause I have a feeling I`ll be hunched over hugging it later tonight.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they`d lose the alarm and just announce that there`s free food by the stairs.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
"Last man standing" is the winner in most contests, but the runner up in musical chairs.
I`m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
Current relationship status: Leaving pizza and beer in the bushes, to lure in stalkers.
If you can`t read the bottom of the eye chart, spell something dirty. Eye doctors love that sh!t.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don`t even remember what he did anymore.
Why is it always the same person getting in your way from start to checkout at the grocery store?