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I wonder what “don’t touch” is in Braille....
I don’t go to bars for the same reason I don’t grocery shop when I’m hungry. I always come home with things I didn’t need.
What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?
This dishwasher sucks. It`s already ruined three of my paper plates.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
This status is mine....I licked it.
What flickering lights mean: 1% electrical problems. 99% demons.
Dear IRS…I would like an itemized receipt showing me exactly how every one of my tax dollars is being spent. Thanks.
Experience is what you get, when you don`t get what you want
Firemen, Astronauts, and Doctors are the only people who actually followed through on what they wanted to be when they grew up.
If you find a four-leaf clover it means you have entirely too much time on your hands.
When I see a girl with too much makeup, I just want to use my finger to write "Wash Me" on her face.
My memory foam has amnesia
Lets just skip the fight and go right to the make-up sex.
The Bishop came to our church today, but I think he was an imposter. He never once moved diagonally.