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I have many talents, but giving an f*ck isn’t one of them
Dear Noah, we could have sworn you said the arc wasn`t leaving until 5. Sincerely, unicorns.
Dogs lick each other`s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
Don’t underestimate my ability to be hungry.
Whenever I see people lined up outside a club on Friday night, I just think “look at all these poor people who don’t know Netflix exists.”
If jail isn`t supposed to be fun, why do they get bunk beds?
Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to .... unless your in prison!!!
Guys you should never overreact when you hear the words, " The babysitter is late."
If you insist on sending me pics of your boobs please at least be a female!!
Today is National Fritters Day. I don`t know what that means, so I just went naked today. Gotta be something like that.
HR wants me to give myself a self evaluation. This will be the first and last time they make this mistake.
In my defense Your Honor, I thought she had been stung by a jellyfish.
How come they didn`t call this years game the BUD bowl?
I`m on a whiskey diet. So far I`ve lost 3 days.
I’m pretty sure the whole “ladies first” thing was created by a guy just to check out girls butt’s.