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Instead of torturing people for getting information, why don’t they just get them really drunk?
As a child, you dream of adventure, travel & success. As an adult, a lot of the time, you just hope the toilet flushes.
I don`t get it, no matter how many times I call `shotgun` the cops always put me in the backseat.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I`ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I`ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
People with pierced nipples have no excuse for losing their keys.
If you listen real closely to my kids arguing tonight, you`ll hear the sound of me pouring a glass of wine.
Someone said to me earlier, "Your face looks very familiar". I said, "I know, I`ve had it a long time."
You know it´s going to be a bad day when your horoscope starts with.. "Are you sitting down?"
A bunch of us are going out for pancakes when Facebook is over, if you want to come along.
The secret of enjoying a good wine: 1) Open the bottle to allow it breathe. 2) If it does not look like it`s breathing, give it mouth-to-mouth.
I was the hot single in my area the whole time.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can`t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry until you`ve thought up a good excuse.
I`d save a lot more money on car insurance if they quit spending billions on advertising.
“I’m going to be a little bit late” -people that are going to be very late