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If I could be anyone else in the whole world, I would still be me so that I wouldn`t have to buy new clothes.
I`m changing my voicemail greeting to: Please hang up and text me, thanks. ;)
What doesn`t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
I liked you until you started ignoring me and then I loved you. -Girls ---- Bfanch
Here`s to ignoring our real problems and getting outraged about something on the internet.
If you go shopping at Walmart and no one stares at you as you walk by, you`re one of them.
Woke up this morning with a HUGE smile on my face....damn kids and thier sharpies.
When I see ads on TV with smiling, happy housewives using a new cleaning product, the only thing I want to buy are the meds they must be on.
You say mystery bruise, I say drinking badge of honor.
This recliner and I go way back.
I don`t use my cell phone in the car... I have to keep my hands free for making gestures.
Dear person reading this, just want you to know that someone cares about you. It`s not me, but I`m sure someone does...
My wife told me I have to quit playing poker all the time but I think she`s bluffing...
"Shit ton" is my favorite unit of measurement.
Just called my own voicemail and left messages until the memory was full. People can`t leave messages now. That`s the kind of genius I am.