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When I was little we didn`t have emojis. We had to put smiley face stickers on handwritten letters like a bunch of savages.
I tried to log in on my ipad. Turns out it was an Etch-a-Sketch and I don`t own an ipad. Also, I`m out of vodka.
I swear my cat was an alarm clock in a previous life...
I`ll do whatever it takes to be the mistake you can`t live without
It`s funny how you think it`s your cat leaving all those dead birds on your doorstep.
I don`t know why I ever signed up for Facebook. I mean like seriously, this dating website sucks!
So much to do and so few alibis.
Today I learned that not all people like ventriloquists. Particularly my gynecologist.
The average man thinks about sex every tits seconds
Life advice: Enjoy the f*ck out of it. It`s that simple.
I wouldn’t say your ugly, you are just beautichallenged.
I`m not saying my ex wasn`t pretty, but every time my wallet got stolen the thief would return her picture.
I do everything faster when I have to pee.
I feel that being a smarta$$ is my duty. The pay sucks, but the work is very rewarding.
Ice skating is just walking in cursive.