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I support recycling, I wore this shirt yesterday.
Do you ever bring your pet up to a mirror and you`re just like, "That is you."
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
I bought one of the "Books for Dummies" for 50% off, but I needed help to figure out what the price was.
Do one thing every day that scares you. Or one thing that scares other people.
The first person who discovered how to make popcorn must have been like "WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON!"
You can`t always control who walks in to your life but you can control which window to throw them out.
Time to be an adult and give up my bath time rubber ducky. I´m upgrading to the tugboat!
I don`t know what I would do without Facebook, but I`m sure it would be something more productive
Yelling "give me back my panties, you pervert" at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
Okay, enough procrastination. Time for excuses.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
tell your boobs to stop staring at my eyes
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
My friend said the only vegetable that could make him cry was an onion. That was before I hit him in the face with a watermelon.