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True laziness is being excited when plans get canceled.
Sometimes knowing exactly where you are does not make you any less lost.
The key to any successful marriage is separate TVs.
Exaggerations went up a million percent last year.
Someone asked me how much love was worth and I couldn’t answer because alimony is calculated differently in each state.
Walmart is one store where it is truly acceptable to shop in your pajamas.
This donut scented car freshener will more than pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
When I started out, I was young and idealistic, I wanted a Career and to make a difference in the World, but it turned out that I only wanted Paychecks........
Chinese food to go: $16.84. Gas to go get it: $2.62. Getting home and realizing they forgot one of your containers: Riceless.
Keep reaching for the stars but please get a better deodorant.
That awkward moment when you take a bath in the middle of the day and don`t know whether to wear normal clothes or pajamas.
"Nothing there? Better bark at it." - my dog
Man:Hello doc, my wife is having a baby. Doctor:Is this the first child? Man:No, it`s the husband speaking.
Growing up teachers always told me there was no such thing as a stupid question. Eight years in retail has determined that was a lie.
The real reason I’m not a superhero…. Pockets, I need my pockets.