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My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
condoms prevent minivans
April Fools Day has been cancelled this year.
I pretend I’m taking an important call and use big words when old people walk by so they’ll think the future is in good hands.
Ya know u would never know u where happy if u never had bad memory.
I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don`t give a damn!
Exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors. - Jehovah`s Fitness.
Why can’t we all just get a Long Island Iced Tea?
When you turn 21, you can legally do all the things you`ve been doing since you were 15.
I`ll tell you what`s wrong with modern society. Nobody ever drinks out of the skulls of their enemies anymore.
I cant wait to show everyone at work my new cough
I wondered how smokers could afford them, until I realized they don`t have to save for retirement..
Tieam... problem solved
If you see me out somewhere and act like you didn`t, you should know that I ignored you first.
The plans I make after work are in direct proportion to how much charge I have left in my phone battery.