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Some call it alcoholism, I call it "keeping my emotions hydrated"
I once tried sniffing coke, but the ice cubes kept getting stuck up my nose.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone. I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
Don`t you love followers that don`t acknowledge your existence. Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
I woke up with a headache this morning but she went to work.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
I always give waiters a tip, but they never seem to appreciate my advice.
I plucked my first gray hair today ... Man, that lady was upset.
If pi is 3.14, then I think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
I automatically classify anything over $5 as expensive.
Redneck WORD OF THE DAY: WATER My girlfriend gets mad and I don`t even know water problem is!
Getting that beach body is easy. You just have to know where to dig.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I`m in.
Can I apologize in advance for basically everything I will ever do???
"That girl is totally checking you out" said vodka. -Bfanch