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I bet the guy made of money in the Gieco commercial doesn`t ever ride his motorcycle on Martin Luther King Blvd in any town.
My panic room is a walk-in beer cooler at the liquor store.
Whoa! Thank you warning label! I was actually considering using my new floor lamp in the shower.
It`s like my kids don`t even believe how cool I was in the 80s.
What`s the difference between "Ooooo" and "Ahhh"? About 3 inches.
I tend to say “I dont know” when I’m too lazy to think.
Who`s further now, the Energizer Bunny or Voyager 1?
You can`t fix stupid, but you can always drink more beer.
I tried to open a can of WhoopAss,, but it popped like a can of biscuits and scared me.
Judging from the bar receipts, ATM withdraws, hand stamps, and the glitter in my car, I now realize I`m a ball of fun when I black out.
If at first you don’t succeed, look in the trash for the instructions
The Best Excuse given by a Lady for Missing Work ! "My husband took an overdose of Viagra.....Couldn`t leave him alone with the Maid"
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker? Now they just mean that you`re 3 and your parents are idiots.
I just heard a woodpecker call me a `paranoid old weirdo` in morse code.
Of course I`m crazy, but that doesn`t mean I`m wrong