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How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
My mother was feeling cold so now I`m wearing a sweater.
I`m 5`5" and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Everyday I’m shoveling. – Winter 2014
Does eating a gas station hot dog counts as a suicide attempt.
I would like to congratulate my ex`s new boyfriend on giving up blow jobs.
One of my favorite discoveries about adulthood is that there are literally no rules stopping you from eating an entire row of Oreos at once.
When a woman asks you to guess her age, it`s like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
Drinking: because why not intensify the feelings you’re trying to escape?
I always reply to my wife’s texts with :0))) I’m not being friendly, I’m discretely letting the fat bitch know how many chins she has.
I do everything faster when I have to pee.
Lies I`ll never stop telling: 1. I`d never put you in a home, mom. 2. It`s 6 inches long. 3. I have no idea how the PC got a virus.
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it`s ok to bite an opponent.