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I spend too much money on food to afford any diet program...
Million dollar idea: Pills that you can take with alcohol.
Yes, I dance in my car. Yes, I see you staring at me. No, I do not care.
Ever get out of the shower and not remember getting a towel ready but its there anyway? You`re welcome.
Of course morning sex is better. You haven`t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
You`re an intellectual who doesn`t read books? I completely understand because I`m an athlete that rarely moves.
Actually according to chemists, alcohol IS a solution…
Why do guys cheat on pretty girls with ugly ones...?
Girl:How do u feel? Boy:With your hands
Whoa. I just did something & almost forgot to document it on facebook. That was a close one.
The best way to change a woman`s mind is to agree with her.
I can`t relate to people who "forget to eat"
Success is like being pregnant. Everybody congratulates you, But nobody knows how many times you were ****** before you got there.
I don`t care how loud I`m laughing, I`m having fun and you`re not.
You would think a popular place like the Krusty Krab would have more than two employees.