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I always keep a google search for "how to find anyone, anywhere, and kill them" open on my phone in case anyone steals it.
If I could only use one word to describe myself, it would probably be: "not good at following directions".
On a scale from 0 to insane, I`m Batman!
The worlds gonna end in 5 days & I don`t know what I`m gonna wear.
I realized that at my income level "Wealth Management" really just means re-organizing the money in my wallet by denomination.
A good example of mixed emotions would be finding a hundred dollar bill nailed to your tire.
As a kid, my parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called “Identity Theft”.
Someone asked me today if ive ever been with two women at the same time. But why would I want to disappoint two women at the same time?
Whenever I hear that customer service calls are going to be recorded I do one of my raps because I`m too poor to pay for studio time
Your so lazy you should have a Life Alert bracelet that says I`m Just Napping.
Went for a mile run today. Stupid Ice Cream Man just kept driving even though I was waving my money in the air!
Having a mohawk used to mean you were tough. Now it means you’re a 3 year-old with annoying parents.
When I die, I want a cellphone in my coffin...just in case
I got in touch with my inner child and the little sh!t hung up on me.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.