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My neighbors complained about all the loud sex they are hearing from my house. So now I have to buy some headphones for my computer.
I was disappointed to learn that the Discovery Channel’s program “Deadliest Catch” wasn’t about first marriages.
Happy Wednesday 2014 Everyone!
According to the U.S. Census Bureau: 190,374 people are having sex right now, 212,130 are kissing, and 1 poor person is reading this post. You hang in there!
When I was your age, we had to walk ten miles in the snow to get drunk and have s€x.
If your problem can`t be solved by me saying "damn" and nodding a lot, then you shouldn`t come to me for help.
I react to "Someone has tagged a photo of you..." in the same way I react to a doctor saying, "Your test results came back..."
Got tasered at speed dating again.
I will be responsible for my actions....when my actions become more responsible.
You might call it ‘whipped.’ I call it `guy who’s getting laid.’
I don`t appreciate my son`s teacher circling all the wine stains on his homework.
Suddenly my prison fantasy football league just got real.
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
Have you ever noticed that half way through the ColonialPenn insurance commercial, Alex Trebek tries to pull a Jedi-Mind-Trick on us.... "This is the insurance you are looking for." (I didn`t get enough sleep last night.)