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Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
I have this great midnight snack it`s called, what do I think my roommate won`t notice if I eat the edges off of
When cleaning my house: 1% Cleaning 30% Complaining 69% Playing with stuffs that I just found.
That moment when you put your pants on, take a few steps, and feel something crawling down your leg! You grab it on the outside so it doesn`t crawl any further....and then you sigh in relief and thank God the dryer sheet doesn`t bite!
We`re all brave until we realize the cockroach has wings
I love screwing with the minds of the foreign tech support guys. “My name is Perry, not Terry. With a P as in Pterodactyl.”
Unless your "Awesome Sauce" is an actual sauce and it involves putting it on a steak then I don`t want to hear about it.
If you like to make love while listening to music, always choose a live album. ..That way you`ll get an applause every 3 to 4 minutes. :)
Pillow forts have no age limit when you’re awesome.
That akward moment you try and deep throat a banana and get caught ... and your a dude.
If you try to pronounce “lmao” you sound like a french cat.
Living out of your car isn`t so bad if you keep telling yourself you`re "on tour"
The original creator of the phrase “common sense” surely didn’t know many people.
keep scrolling I`ve got nothing....
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like `responsibility`