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I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I`m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
My inflatable girlfriend always looks surprised when I walk into the room.
I like them big and fake. ~Me talking about Christmas trees
I hate it when my fat makes me look fat.
If kids are so wonderful why do you have to pay people to watch them?
Leaving your window open for an hour and the cast from f*cking Bugs Life decided to start producing their second movie.
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me ... I live in a city.
Look for my new diet book: "How To Work Out And Watch What You Eat And Still Gain Plenty Of Weight"
Just when I think my confidence couldn`t be shakier, some shitty website tells me I have a "Weak Password"
The bad news is I don’t know what I’m doing with my life. The good news is I no longer give a crap.
There’s gotta be a better use for the part of my brain that remembers every word to “Baby Got Back.”
She heard me call her a bitch so now I have 100 problems.
The female praying mantis devours the male within minutes after mating, while the female human prefers to stretch it out over a lifetime.
Birth control pills should really be made for men. It makes more sense to unload a gun than to shoot a bulletproof vest.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?