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If she can cook like her mother and drink like her father, she`s a keeper.
I typed bitch into my GPS and guess what? I`m in your drive way. Vroom, vroom mother f*%ker.
This pizza looks like a pie chart of 100% good news.
Scream “Chrome is better than Firefox” around a group of geeks if you wanna see them argue for 2 hours.
I know you`re the instructor but I`ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
Every dog is a badass until you decide to vacuum.
Imagine how creepy the first guy to dress up as a clown must have been, where in hell did he get that idea?
I have no interest in skydiving. I get enough of an adrenaline rush hoping my debit card goes through.
If there is enough room to spell `bootylicious` on the back of your shorts...it probably isn`t
No magician can do a trick that impresses me as much as that ‘take off my bra and make it appear out of my sleeve’ thing that girls do.
Why do people always feel safe under blankets...its not like a murderer will break in and be like "I`M GONNA KILL YAA__AAHHHhhhh dang he is under a blanket.
Now accepting friends that live on a lake and have a boat and/or jet skis
Just tried to kill a snake in the backyard. And by kill I mean screaming as loudly as a human can in an attempt to make its head explode.
Lazy Rule: If you spill water, It will eventually dry.
I surveyed 100 women on what shampoo they prefer while showering 95% said How the hell did you get in here!!!