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Just once, I would like to see a person on a daytime talk show say, "dad was a good parent...mom was a good parent...the problem is me, I`m just a sh!thead."
Apparently, the answer "I Know" is not a good answer when your friend tells you how good his girlfriend is in bed
If you like someone, pretend they`re a charger and you`re an iPhone on 1%. Run to them. Grab them. Plug them in. Wait, I lost the metaphor.
Why must the phrase, "It is none of my business" always be followed by, "but"?
A broken clock is right twice a day. I guess what I am saying is, that a broken clock is right more than you.
When life is stressful, do something to lift your spirits. Go for a drive. Go two or three thousand miles away. Maybe change your name.
If I was a funeral director, I would tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.Then the zombie apocalypse would be hilarious.
Guess what I saw today? ... Everything I looked at.
Can’t wait till I’m old and I can play the ‘fall asleep’ card in awkward situations.
I want to grow my own food but I can`t find any bacon seeds.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. -Me with beer, me without beer
?"May contain nudity".. either it does or it doesn`t.. quit waistin` my time.
The nice thing about living in the southern states is that "He needed killing" is a valid legal defense here.
Fun Fact: Over 97.8% of men have already made mistakes this year that a woman will remind him about for the rest of his days.
I just bought some new deodorant yesterday. The instructions said to remove the top and push up bottom. My butt hurts now but every time I fart the room smells awesome.