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Last night my wife said to me, “What would you do without me?” Apparently, “Your sister” was the wrong answer.
If I ran the country, things would be a lot better ... Well, for me anyway.
Judge: I`ve decided to give your ex-wife $350/month for child support. Me: That`s very generous. I`ll try and kick in a little myself.
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says I`m alright, but I feel like, well, like I`ve dyed a little inside.
Siblings – the only people who will pick on you and then kick the a$$es of anyone else who does it.
Take my advice, I’m not going to use it.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
Half of my day is just me screaming profanities at an electronic device.
I wish Facebook wasn`t the only place I could block people from my life.
Whenever I hear about a man jumping off a bridge I can`t help but wonder how long he was dating my ex.
I`ll never understand women. They hate when you ask their age, but get mad if you forget their birthday.
When I get bored I go to a car dealership and ask the salesman to lay in the trunk so I can "see how many I`ll be able to fit"
Some people are flirting with my delete & block button
Money isn´t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children.
When it comes to speaking Spanish I know the essentials. "Taco, nacho, burrito, cheeto, frito & no comprendo."