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It’s silly how we spend money on clothes when naked is free.
I enjoy shopping online because at least I don`t have to act all shocked when my credit card gets declined.
is actually feeling pretty much okay about not accomplishing anything this year.
My hobbies include working out, staying fit, eating healthy, and lying.
If we aren`t supposed to be too close to the microwave then why do they show us food twirling around in there?
I’ve made some pretty bad choices in life but I have to admit, having orange juice with Oreos was the worst.
The only thing preventing me from smashing my alarm clock at 6am is the fact that it’s my cellphone.
Seven years ago today I swallowed bubblegum ... I`ll keep you all posted.
The worst part of being an insomniac is having to eat spiders while I’m awake to maintain my yearly average.
I`ve been eating a lot of extra calories since daylight savings to make up for that hour of eating I missed.
I`m gonna name my son Wussell so people think he has a speech impediment.
I wish I could select all my responsibilities and press delete.
Happy Fathers Day from your handsomerist and smarterist son
I`m really sick of responsibility ... and underwear
Besides being curled up on the bathroom floor convinced I was dying from liver failure for a few hours, last night was fun.