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"I like tube tops too, but even tires have pressure limits!
If your roommate never walked in on you naked, you`re not naked near enough.
Seems like my body should have better things to do than make nipple hair.
I didn`t text you. Vodka texted you.
"Why do you hate me"? I say as I attempt to hold my cat like a baby
Every once in a while I check up on people I hate to make sure I still hate them… I do.
I have a million dollar idea that I will share with the first million people to send me a dollar.
75% of my current net worth is in gift cards.
I hate being bi-polar. It`s awesome.
Just a word of advice for all you single guys having a hard time out there, Forget the clubs, forget the churches, forget the online dating sites, as the best places to meet single women are the freezer section and down the cat food isle.....
If you need Facebook to remind you it`s your wife`s birthday, I hope you own a comfortable couch.
You`re about as deep as a kiddies splash-pool..
Why don`t they just get Jehovah`s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
Nothing tells your friends you`ve made it in life quite like owning a 4 slice toaster.
I think I may have misunderstood my boss yesterday when she told me that she wanted to see me hard at work