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Dear children, when you look under your bed, what exactly are you planning to do when you find me? Sincerely, The Monster.
A good example of mixed emotions would be finding a hundred dollar bill nailed to your tire.
I`m thinkin` Dodgeball........... but with random people..........who don`t know they are playing.............
I just responded to a text message with: I can`t hear you, you`re breaking up.
I once overdosed on Viagra. My wife took it really hard.
My kids are giving all the people on this airplane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
I wonder if the two guys arguing over r2d2 and roadrunner ever get laid.
Firemen, Astronauts, and Doctors are the only people who actually followed through on what they wanted to be when they grew up.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth … and drink all the vodka inside … It seems to help
Anyone who knows me obviously knows a shit ton about awesomeness.
You`re not the sharpest knife in my back.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
“Have you tried just eating a ton of pizza?”- me as a therapist
I`m awesome ... Don`t question it, just deal with it.
My doctor told me to eat more bacon cheeseburgers. Well, what he technically said was to eat "less pizza", but I`m pretty sure I know what he meant.