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Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.
Welcome to Alzheimer`s Club. I see a lot of new faces today.
It`s amazing how much people are willing to lower their eating standards when you insert the word "free" in front of the word "food".
I don’t want to sound racist, but all stormtroopers look the same to me.
You call it being sober. I call it on my way to the liquor store.
The reason good men are hard to find is because they`re usually too busy working.
I knew the Psychic was no good the moment she accepted my check
It`s amazing how we are very good lawyers for our own mistakes and very good Judges for other people`s mistakes.
Marriage. Because otherwise hating someone for turning the page of a newspaper too loudly would seem absurd
They should paint the bottom of swimming pools with satellite photos so it feels like you’re flying.
Peanut butter sandwiches taste better when cut in half diagonally...........Listen,, I don`t make the rules people.
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
My life is about as organized as the $5 DVD bin at Walmart.
Asked my wife if she would be my friend on FB again, she said no. She said my “funny” status updates are annoying. Therefore, I must conclude she loves me for my body...
If I stop my car so you can walk across the street, I better see some hustle out of you. Knees to Chest, bitch, KNEES TO CHEST!!