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When I say "I cleaned my room", I usually mean I made a path from my door to my bed.
Do you ever just look at a girl and instantly know she posts her daily horoscope on Facebook and quotes Marilyn Monroe?
When I try to fold fitted sheets it looks like I’m in an infomercial that’s exaggerating how difficult it is to fold fitted sheets.
I swear Mosquitos have a chart of the human body they study before they leave their nest...They seem to always bite on the worst possible places.. It`s like they huddle up and make a plan: "Ok Sally, you take the toe knuckles.. Betty, you get the crack behind the knee, Mary, you take the ankles, and I`ll take the finger knuckles..Ready? Break!"
If you have to ask if it`s too early to drink wine...You`re an amateur and we can`t be friends.
Never let a medical procedure scare you. That`s what the bill is for.
Nice meeting you, but I forgot your name as soon as you said it...
Oh, I offended you with my opinion? You should hear the ones I kept to myself.
The easiest way to escape a conversation is to interrupt the other person and say "this conversation is going great" every few seconds
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house, but that fly is dead.
People says nothing is imposible.. But i do nothing everyday!!
I dont run from my problems, I chase them ... with alcohol
The Wizard of Oz is the ultimate chick flick. It`s about two women trying to kill each other over shoes.
There`s a thin line between "I should write a status about that" and "I should talk to my therapist about that"....
Why do we call it the Sun instead of a space heater?