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People, like prescription drugs, should have to list the side effects they`re likely to cause.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over? Me: pfft. I could think of like fifty reasons, I’m not falling for that.
I have cat-like reflexes. If I hear a loud noise, I keep napping.
Never trust anyone who smiles this early in the morning.
Cooking Tip: If you`re tired of always having to boil water everytime you make pasta, boil a few gallons at the beginning of the week and freeze it for later ... you`re welcome!
How do you people have the time to hate a stranger on the internet?
You will attract attention if wearing a skirt on a windy day. This is doubly true if you are a man.
I’ve been reading a lot about how to live and eat healthier and then not doing anything with that information.
You know it`s time to get a girlfriend when you masturbate in different positions
I got caught peeing in the swimming pool today... The lifeguard shouted so loud I almost fell in.
Do you think the dude that invented the breathalyzer has any friends left?
Studies show than men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy. See, it`s a survival thing.
Love your neighbor. But don`t get caught.
I don`t need a New Years Resolution, I`m already awesome!
How`d this get posted?