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Premature ejaculation and hide and seek have one thing in common. 1 2 3 ready or not here I come.
There`s never been a lazier group of people than the ones that settled on naming a candy bar "Whatchamacallit."
So what if Jesus turned water into wine... I turned a whole student loan into beer once. your move Jesus.
Siri, destroy the vehicle in front of me.
Can someone`s face be a pet peeve?
Give a fish something for once for f*cks sake
Flip flops are fun because every time you take a step it`s like a high-five for your feet.
If its the thought that counts, then I`ve banged so many hot chicks.
Facebook should just change it`s name to "People You May Want to Avoid."
“Can we talk tomorrow?” is my way of saying “I’ll try to do a better job of avoiding you tomorrow?”
If nobody hates you, you are doing something boring.
*spits out animal cracker* This doesn`t even taste like hippo.
Liam Neeson trained Batman, Obi Wan, and Darth Vader. He is both Aslan and Zeus…and he punches wolves. Why would you kidnap his family?
All my life I’ve wanted to learn to juggle. I just never had the balls to do it.
As a Harry Potter fan, I wanted to go to Hogwarts. As a Hunger Games fan, not so much...