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This beer tastes like future mistakes.
It`s really quite simple ... I do what I want! ... The End.
If you listen real closely to my kids arguing tonight, you`ll hear the sound of me pouring a glass of wine.
If you run into someone you know and they say "we should hang out sometime", say "I`m ready to hang out now" and watch them panic.
I like playing with my dog when I`m high. Because I don`t have one when I`m sober.
Here hold my dignity, I`ve got some sketchy shit to do.
Multitasking? I’m not even good at unitasking.
Relationships are like yard sales. They look good from a distance, but once you get there it`s just a bunch of sh!t you don`t really need.
I hate people who say "Age is just a number" — Age is clearly a word.
If lemons hand you life, you’re probably dyslexic
Waldo’s mom must be worried sick.
Be nice to me ... I may be hot one day.
Ladies, don`t date him just because his dad has a yacht. Date the dad.
I sent off for some information on my family tree. They sent me back a packet of seeds and suggested it would be in my best interest that I just start over.
1. Pour milk on floor. 2. Ask which kid did it. 3. Send them to their rooms when they don`t admit it. 4. Enjoy peaceful evening.