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Huge spoiler here ... Did you know Dave is actually NOT the real father of Alvin, Simon, and Theodore.
There are 2 types of people that annoy me: Drunk people, when I`m sober. Sober people, when I`m drunk.
Chuck-E-Cheese, because it`s never too early to introduce your child to poor nutrition and gambling..
There is a big difference between a guy and a girl saying "I went through an entire box of tissues during that movie."
If you ever want to watch a women feel herself up for ten minutes, hide her cellphone.
Just hung a picture. I nailed it.
Wow, I just melted a piece of ice by staring at it. Took a little longer than I thought it would.
10 years ago Facebook came in to our lives forever changing our ability to judge each other from our couches.
Marriage lets you annoy one special person for the rest of your life.
You should have seen the guy who unlocked the liquor store this morning. It was like he never saw anyone roll up a sleeping bag before.
It`s always nice to be called Pretty in the morning. So what if he was hiding behind the trash wearing no pants.
Silence is Golden, but telling some people to go f*ck themselves is PRICELESS...!
Trying to be a responsible adult is messing up my social life.
The last time I was someone`s type, I was donating blood.
I don`t want to brag, but I`m single-handedly responsible for 86% of the rules in the Employee Handbook at work.