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If your Facebook post requires me to hit “continue…” get a diary.
Just curious, when pirates use text, IM or twitter, do they used emoticons` like .) .P .D or .( or do they try to fool us by using the two eyed ones?
I don’t care how high you set the bar as long as I can reach my drink.
My friend told me he wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don`t think he`d be a good secret agent.
It`s 2014 and somehow we still don`t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
The fact that Google autocompletes all of my questions just reaffirms how unoriginal all my problems are.
No matter how many lives you have in Candy Crush, you’ll still never get your own back.
I used to like my neighbors until they changed the password to their wi-fi :)
I`d stop disappointing you, if you stopped expecting me to do stuff.
Never change. Unless you’re an a$$hole. Then you should probably change a little.
once again Tequila is the Delete History button of my brain.
Missed connection: you were washing your car in a bathing suit. I rode past your house 78 times. You threw a rock at me.
The only way to communicate with a drunk person is to get hammered too.
The only thing I have learned so far in this company meeting is that this room has 37 ceiling tiles and 24 fluorescent bulbs.
Turns out a crash diet doesn`t mean having vodka with every meal and falling down the stairs at noon!