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I was driving to work this morning and saw a bumper sticker that said, "Jesus is the answer." A few minutes later I saw another bumper sticker that said, "Who farted?" That was the best game of Highway Jeopardy ever!
What do you call a woman with big breasts who doesn`t make sandwiches? A compromise.
If I had a nickel for every time someone called me OCD I`d have 27 dollars and 15 cents.
I propose a toast to the booze for making life seem tolerable.
Here`s how I gained 27lbs of muscle in 5 weeks: Lying.
No matter how loud you crank the bass, it`s still a minivan.
This year thousands of men will die from stubbornness....NO WE WON`T!!
I saw a lady with twins babies. One had a shirt that said ‘Copy’ the other ‘Paste’. That made my day.
I think you know you’ve got a problem when every letter of the alphabet triggers a porn bonanza in your address bar.
Only a fool trips on what`s behind him.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the adult version of hiding your report card from your parents.
“Let’s eat, get drunk and watch people exercise” – sports fans
In Canada, she`s Kilometery Cyrus.
You know it was a good sh!t when you come back and your screensaver is on.
Note to Self: These Note to Selves don’t work.