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I’m starting to think plates are called china because most of them look the same.
The best neighbors are the ones you never see.
The key to any successful marriage is separate TVs.
Do crabs think we walk sideways?
This is the third time someone in Liam Neeson`s family has been abducted, they really need to stop leaving the house.
This Coffee has given me unrealistic expectations of productivity.
Whats the best part about dating a homeless chick, ..... You can drop her off anywhere
The best things in life can`t be seen or touched. At least, that`s what the restraining order says.
If I share something clever and witty on Facebook, don’t try and out clever me with your comment. I don’t come over and blow out your candles on your cake.
Relationship status: running out of films on Netflix.
If I didn`t drink, how would everyone know how much I love them at 2am?
You can lead a horse to water but I`d rather ride it to the liquor store.
If you added up all the time you waste on Facebook, think how much TV you could watch.
Something tells me that girl with the word "Princess" tattooed on her neck isn`t really Royalty.
My buddy told me he was going to Beerfest this weekend, I asked him where, he said "any bar I walk into!!!"