Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Alright, I admit it. Sometimes when I wave my hands in the air, I actually do care.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
I had a Dr. appointment this morning. He asked me how many beers I drink. I held out my hand and said this one is only my 4th, I`ll call you back later with the total.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
I`m bringing sexy back...if I only I can remember where I had it last....
My daily routine: Wake up, be awesome, go back to sleep.
Guys you should never overreact when you hear the words, " The babysitter is late."
I just got a paper cut opening a box of Pop Tarts. There will be no more fancy breakfasts around here.
Wait, carjacking doesn`t mean masturbating in my vehicle? Then no, I didn`t get arrested for carjacking.
I wish I had money so I could be eccentric instead of just weird.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
The Drug Store cashier asked me how im doing as I put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. "Not great man, I`ve got diarrhea" I told him.
I get my: Cereal from a tiger, Insurance from a gecko, Toilet paper from a bear, Financial advice from a gorilla. It`s people I don`t trust.
I love in horror movies how the person yells out "hello?!" as if the killer is gonna say "yeah I´m in the kitchen, want a sandwich?"